Sublime

I came across a quote by author Ray Bradbury today when reading one of my Reader blog feeds, In Search of Squid. I suppose you could say it inspired me, as I imagine his words have inspired many, and so I deleted most of my 'About Me' section which only sat there as a placeholder reminding me of who I wished I really was, and I replaced it with 'the quote.' You can read it along the side bar.

Why I need this quote right now?

Well, have you ever made a list in your head? Thoughts piling atop more thoughts. What to do, where to go, who to see, wouldn't that be cool?, I wish...I wish..., This, then, that. Exhausting but unstoppable. My bucket list has grown so long it's coming out my ears. Ask me to write it down and I will forget everything. I literally was reading a SHAPE magazine and became overwhelmed by the information and weblinks and etc. etc. etc. Yes, I want to know more! And then in the back of my head I was stunned with the realization that I won't know more because I won't look it up. I'll forget, then remember, become overwhelmed and slump into my couch! Wanting to know more about the world in every sense nearly drives me mad. Yet it all seems out of reach. I want to research but feel paralyzed. I can't fit anymore thoughts inside my head with all these lists! I cannot write what I do not know. Knowing is tiring.

And so...I bounce.


If it looks like I'm trying to hard to sound like a 'good' writer, it's because I am. I am always going over passages trying to figure out if it would read well to an outsider. I want to write. But more than that, I want to write well and that fear of being average prevents me moving forward. I pretend I don't really want to write, to put forth the effort. Really, I just don't want to look bad. I am afraid to try a writing group or class because I hate feeling competitive and inevitably, I will feel resentful of everyone who writes well. Terrible, I know. What to do, then?

Enter, Mr. Bradbury. I had never heard of him before today though I was familiar with the book Fahrenheit 911. Maybe I will check out some of his other stories. Maybe I won't. Nonetheless, today I made the decision to not just sit in equal parts awe and defeat like I tend to do when overwhelmed with inspiration, instead, I will meet the challenge and I will write. I will write often, daily, no matter what rambling, foolish thoughts come tumbling out. I want a glorious fight between my Self and my Creative Muse.

I also want to be a better cake decorator. We shall see.

Friendly Casper?

Ch-ch-ch-ch-chaaaaanges turn and face the strange (or is it strain?) ....

Oh Bowie. How right you are. After months of whining how bored I am in this stage of my life, change happens. And I mean BIG, STRANGE change. In the next three months I could quite possibly quit my job, get engaged, cancel my apartment's lease, pack up and move to Casper, Wyoming. Is this called growing up?

Chad is onto the final stage of the application process with UPS and will flown to Seattle Monday for the panel interview. Scary! If all goes well, training begins at who knows where before plans are made to begin a new position as full-time HR management in Casper. Casper is 710 miles away. Casper has a population of roughly 55,000 people. Casper is both windier and colder than Boise. Casper could be a hell-hole.

But at the same time, Casper could be quaint, cozy and just the change I have been praying for. If I go that is. After reminding Chad that there is nothing for me in Casper but him, he finally seems to understand what I would be leaving behind and what this would mean for us. I am excited for him and know what a great opportunity this . It truly looks like an awesome job on paper - super benefits, a lot of money and a sweet first career for a 24 yr old. The issue now is what about me, what about us?

I won't go as his girlfriend. I can't. I love Boise too much to leave without a commitment. So, engagement has now been brought up numerous times in the last week and frankly we both have cold feet about it. I don't want to rush a proposal and Chad is not sure he wants to give one right now. However, Chad "doesn't want to go alone." If I move there it would be after he goes and settles in somewhat. A lease would need to be broken, furniture would need to be moved (ugh) and I would be leaving my sister, friends and family behind. I tear up at the thought of this but even with all these "cons," I still feel this may be good for me, him and us. If nothing else, a new experience. I would not even need to work for a bit leaving me time to focus on what I want to do. I actually love that idea. Right now.

So far, I have found three websites for Casper. http://www.casperwy.gov/ , http://www.casperwyoming.org/ , http://www.casperwyoming.info/ . Sure is outdoorsy and there is even a Casper Mountain. We will be only 3 hours from Cheyenne and 4 from Denver.

Trying to stay positive amongst all this change can be difficult but I am trying to take it one decision at a time instead of focusing on all the 'what ifs' and 'hows?'

Drink more water. Hug more Phoebe. Shop cowboy boots.

Type type type away

I've slowly began my return to writing this week. Seed.com offers freelance work for only a limited number of projects and though this makes it difficult to find something I could actually say anything about, I feel that it's a good way to start a possible journey into the freelance world. I already submitted 100 words for a beauty advice page. It was declined literally overnight. It's good that I did it though. Gave me something to look forward to in terms of my "career" or even hobby, whatever I decide to turn this into. Even typing out those hundred words in ten minutes, I could feel the bricks in my writing wall crumble just a tiny bit. I guess I'm afraid of criticism, anyone's and my own, but as long as I'm learning what is there to fail?

I do wish that I was better versed in something, anything at all. I don't feel that this blog, which I mostly use as a sound of board for my own thoughts, is something I could point to and confidently say showcases my writing ability. It seems that only a blog that focused on a particular subject would be more appropriate.

gunk and money

I never fail to have a chunk of salmon or something stuck in my grill. It must be a tight fit back there...yet not tight enough. There is this spot between two of my front-side left teeth that seems to be the perfect spot for food to nestle in without me having a clue until my nightly floss. Yes, I floss. You should too. Because if I hadn't started flossing this year, I would have never noticed all the little crevices that food can hide in. I guess that's the purpose of flossing, to slide between the crevices and scoot out the gunk, but you want to do it tenderly because man, that shit can hurt and bleed like mofo. Essentially a paper cut on your gums...*shudder.* Plus, you don't want food particles spraying up all over your mirror. Besides all that, flossing can be fun. Nothing like cleaning out the nastiness that resides on and in between the body....so explains the eagerness of dental hygienists.

I've been busy. So much for the long lazy days of summer once you enter the workforce. And then there's summer moving days which equals furniture buying/moving days = wii buying days = bbqing nightly = loss of money = need to work full time = fast track to depression and eternal exhaustion. The funny thing is, after all this change, I need a change.

I'm tired of what I'm doing. Tired of talking about what I should be doing. Tired of wasting my time and others. I am both bored and busy. I want a change yet am too tired (bored) to actually make the change. I am becoming one of the countless lethargic and apathetic people that disgrace mankind with their lack of passion and determination. Except that I do care , I just don't know what I care about.

Oh for the love of decisions. I just want to open a book of careers and point.

Drink more water. That's what my mom says.

Ick....but it's ok

I'm skipping my writing community ed class and probably going to skip an intense workout too. I think I will spend my evening the old fashioned, pre-workout routine way, by sitting on the living room floor, watching Sex and the City and various other shows while eating dark chocolate M&M's and ice cream.

I thought about feeling guilty for this...I did spend $30 on the class and am now missing a session with only 4 to miss, and even though my first excuse (that it looked like a wicked storm was coming) has kind of disappeared and I still have time to make it, it's a twenty minute drive across town and I am going with the better luck next week mentality. And though this may look like I am falling back into old patterns I'm not. This is simply a mental health night.

Since it already feels like an icky week at work, I'm not going to stress it at home. Guilt be gone! What I am slowly learning is that you gotta do what you want, what your feeling at that time. Granted, what I am feelin at most times is not to steal lipsticks at Shopko or roll around wasted on my kitchen floor but more like slumping on the couch and unstimulating my mind with trash tv and magazines. What's the harm in that?

Also, to summarize thoughts from The Happiness Project, if you feel like poo, act like ice cream. Meaning, ice cream is so much better/happier/nicer than a pile of stink; so help yourself out and fake it till you make it.

Point being, you just have to roll with the punches and enjoy yourself minus the icky guilt. You don't have to continually tell yourself that you suck as a human being just because you aren't living up some so-called ideal expectations. And for God's sake, don't get vocal with your self-insults, you'll look like a sad person, or at least a worrisome person and nobody wants to chat with a worrisome self-insulter. Even when you are having an icky week and don't want to talk to anyone anyway, this is not the way to go about it! Don't burn bridges, this is another wise cliche I've learned.

So basically this post was brought to you by the letter A for: Awesome Advice, Acting how you want to feel and Always having Amazing ice cream.

I am going to go get a bowl of said ice cream and crack open my SHAPE workout magazine while sitting on my ass now.

Carrie Bradshaw - my new BFF, fanatical shopping and cheesecake dinners

The week is flowing along semi-smoothly with the bumps involving missing ipods, allergies and pale legs...and since I unofficially made Wednesdays my 'no gym' fun days, I decided to explore some rarely visited shopping arenas while indulging my latest fashion cravings.

The root of this hunger? Shoes. I have been wanting, NEEDing new shoes and as I sit here listening to Samantha tell her 3 best gal pals about kegals I am basking in the glory that is cute new shoes.

Nikes,

not that I am a name brand hound, but they are PRETTY! AND they happen to be just what I was looking for, more or less.

Though the Sports Authority salesman somewhat ominously stated that he 'knew' which ones they were before I even opened the box to show him,he found my size (the very last ones which OF COURSE means it was meant to be!) and I happily pranced to the front counter for purchase. Well actually, I hulked to the front counter after circling the store two or three more times because as it is stated in the title, this was an evening of fanatical shopping. Hulked...because I am haggard from allergies which means my eyes are practically in the back of my head and droopy and, well, haggard people hulk.

Oh, and I saw this: http://www.karatedepot.com/tr-bg-02.html

Ok, not exactly this but this one had better ratings so it is now on my wish list. I like to punch and kick things. Excitement!

So since I was shopping in such a state, I couldn't go home now! I drove to Kohls which I never go to because that means driving to Meridian, however I reasoned that I was half way there so I might as well check it out. With Phoebe alongside me (best shopping buddy ever) we drove the distance. Was it worth it? If you call two sexy rocker black clearance purses worth it then yes, yes it was. Excitement.

By the time I had circled that store 5 or 6 times, I made it back to my vehicle and home. It was now 9:30 and there was no dinner in my belly. Salt in the late evening equals a very bloaty morning and so the only reasonable solution was to have cheesecake and strawberries instead. Very Satisfying.

At the moment, I am half way through my Sex and the City marathon and about ready for bed. Job well done Jennifer, job well done.

A much longer and whinier post than originally intended

Hello, I am a twenty-something average woman who is lucky enough to hold down a full time job, is in my first long term relationship and still makes enough time for a gym membership, yet, I still talk to my mother at least once, if not twice, or three times, a day.

I recently read that the feeling of loneliness can be determined by how much contact one has with women. Meaning that between both men and women, being lonely was caused by a lack of communication and relationship with a female. Time spent with men did not even factor into this equation. Gretchen Rubin noted this in her February chapter of The Happiness Project. I love my mom and I have found myself with fewer friends these days so is this close phone relationship with my mother because, regardless of the full life I have made for myself, I have still managed to feel lonely?

I don't necessarily mind that I speak to my mother probably more than the average college graduate. She has that uncanny ability to irritate me and reassure me all in the same call. And maybe I shouldn't even be questioning if I am lonely or not, but I can not ignore that having only a few options when I want to spend some quality female-to-female time really hits that lonely note.

I feel guilty for even complaining, but reading Rubin's little info tidbit made me sigh with understanding. A few options equals a few opinions, a few perspectives and basically a general lack of friends.

See, these options are composed of my mainly my mother and my sister. Biased and similar in opinion. And though I love Chad, he probably even qualifies as my best friend, he is male and therefore useless as a deep, reflective and utterly female insight kind of relationship.

I am not male bashing, just acknowledging that men do not communicate like women do and to expect a thoughtful conversation about feelings, insecurities or footwear is not realistic. In fact, it is the expecting that really puts a damper on things and I have to constantly remind myself to accept that Chad is not a stand-in for a best girl friend, which is something entirely to it's own.

The couple girlfriends I do have, they are great but not without obstacles. Obstacles preventing a deeper friendship I mean. Whether it be poorly matched schedules or a literal long distance between us, I am still left missing the female connection. After 20 years of always having a best friend by my side, this three year lapse as started to take it's toll.

Where did all the girlfriends go? In actuality, I probably pushed them away in a quest to grow up a bit and since then every time a possibility comes around, I seem to scare her into acquantanceville, the place for semi-friend who are nice and all, but not really meant for any type of divulging or phone calls after 7 pm. Do I come across as too desperate, needy, or maybe the opposite affect, too aloof. Did I say the wrong thing? Fail some secret friendship test? Hey, maybe it's because I refer to her as "the possibility." A possibility for what? A beautiful budding bff forever?! Pretty scary. No wonder. Looking for new friends is scarier than dating. There seems to be so much more at risk.

Actually, I understand that the friendships I do have are more than likely normal adult relationships and I only want more because the media and stalking facebook photos has developed the notion that friends are aplenty and it;s not normal not to talk or see one on a daily basis. I can be logical about this. I guess what I want is just more options and less lonely. Because more is always better right? Perhaps not in some scenarios, like choosing an outfit or dessert, but in the case of friendships, how could more not be better?

To the point: I want Carrie, Samantha, Charlotte AND Miranda in my life. Let's make it into a Fivesome Friendship!

Ask and you shall Receive

I am starting to notice, now more than ever, that everything I have ever internally asked for, I have received. I wonder, is this true for everyone? When we truly want something, or even just imagine it - visualize it- does the opportunity arise? Then, if it doesn't, is it because we ignored it?

For example, I have been feeling out of sorts lately. Every so often, an inkling of fear takes hold and I am stricken insecure. Critical of everything about me, I slouch a little deeper and smile a little less. This has been the case for the last few weeks and I am finding myself searching for the positive to arise, out of something, somewhere.

In comes, The Happiness Project. I picked up this book after an Amazon book search for recommendations similar to Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. Gretchen Rubin's memoir about her quest for a happier self displayed itself and I went to the local Barnes & Noble the next day, used up the last of my gift cards and took it home excited to see what my own Happiness Project could possibly bring.

Basically, since I had been in one of my "bad moods" as Chad refers to them, it was surely a sign. I had asked and now I had received, basically the solution to the overbearing evil mood.

Now, one would probably think that I ran right home and read it in a matter of hours. Well, one would be wrong. There it set next to my bed for a solid week, maybe even 10 days (acknowledgement of time has since disappeared since the whole 40 hours a week thing began) before I even picked it up, and then even for only a page before I decided to do something else instead.

So what do you call that? Was the book that bad? Did I suddenly not care if I could be a happier self? It was more like I knew that once I began this book, I would have to start really thinking about it. Kind of like a self-sabotage against happiness. I would have to start pointing the blame at me. I was, after all, in charge of my own happiness, right?

This is all self-reflection of course. I haven't really grasped why I feel the way I do. But, I have started to read the book and it makes sense. In fact, after reading about the first month of Gretchen's happiness project, I woke up the next day with her commandments and goals in my head. 'Go to bed earlier, clean up both visual and mental clutter, and just plain act energetic.' I was probably the happiest I had been all week that day. Results from a magical book? Eh.... Maybe I am just really susceptible to semi-cheesy optimistic answers. Yup, I like that.

So I will continue to read about someone else's quest for happiness and hopefully learn. What is my own solution for a bad mood. What would make me happier? If it is really true that we are all both the same and different, then perhaps Gretchen's ideas about happiness may also touch on my own in some way.

Remember that Charlie Brown book, "Happiness Is..." (or something like that)? I believe I felt that every answer in that little book would make me happy too. Maybe now's a good time to start reading the Tao Te Ching, and just BE.

Ah, so many questions and there are probably only a few real answers. I suppose I could ask for them internally and just watch for them to appear.



BTW, The Showtime's hit series, The United States of Tara is very entertaining. Got me hooked from the pilot episode. A clever look at Dissociative Identity Disorder which I find fascinating, not to mention that the family's dealings with this type disorder could teach us all a thing or two about accepting and adapting.

=)

not enough time and this whole health reform "crisis"

We're all a little batshit crazy.

Explanation? Mostly I just wanted to use that phrase. Really? First I want to point out that I would love to write about more important issues more frequently, or issues that I find fascinating and readable when I scope the blog scene, but I want them to be good so I am drafting them. Get excited.

Next, google reader is weighing me down man! I keep starring articles I want to read from Huffington Post and Slate which posts a crazy amount of new articles daily and keeping up is starting to become a MUST and my starred "to read" list has reached 60. WHAT?! And if I got a kindle like I've been thinking about (they CAN connect to Internet right?) then I could read these articles EVERYWHERE 24/7 and how magical would that be?! Probably not so much when my neck begins to permanently bend at a weird angle and all hope for good posture go out the window.

AND finally, health reform...Obama? Right on. Republicans? Why so sad? All I hear is people spouting out hateful and ridiculous amounts of bull much like a small child throwing a tantrum because he didn't get his way. What's so scary? What is REALLY the issue here? I feel like people are grasping at whatever fall-back Republican issues to hurdle as a response. Taxes, Immigrants, Constitutional rights and that's what really bugs me the most, "it's not constitutional to force people to have health insurance, not everyone wants to have health insurance." Excuse me? Who then pays for the delivery of your child? Your son's broken arm? Your emergency triple bypass surgery?

It's not about taking away our god-given rights as Americans-we are#1! not about growing our nation's debt or gasp! helping out the less fortunate who definitely don't deserve it! No, it's about not getting your way. The reform went against the Republicans' plan, therefore hate! hate! hate! Crisis! We are doomed!

What is really bothering you? And more importantly WHO is telling you it's a bother to begin with?

Barf.

1: Book Review

I'm sort of stealing this idea from In Search of Squid blogger Heather Rae. I recently subscribed to her blog on my Reader (love it! both reader and squid), found through stratejoy, and now I get notices of all her postings including book reviews. I want to get back into reading again because it's something I've always loved to do and I don't want to lose that so why not continue to practice my writing my incorporating it with reading.




I just finished the infamous, perhaps notorious, A Million Little Pieces by James Frey. You know, the "pseudo memoir" that Oprah defamed after bits of it were found to be fabricated? The story is about James, a recovering alcholoic and drug addict who hit rock bottom so hard in his early twenties that he wrote a detailed and disturbing 448 paged account of it. Most memorable about the book, besides the emotional story and Oprah's upset over it, was the way it was written. The lack of puncuation and page-turning poetic style. Oh, and that the cover featured a hand covered in rainbow sprinkles, I admit, this is what first intrigued me.

(Entire paragraph was accidently deleted here and that makes me want to punch the keyboard so, sorry, don't get to read those words of wisdom)

It was about Intervention and Hoarders and other shows like seen on TLC. I am on the fence about them - good for some, exploitative for others. Don't want to see real issues become reproduced like some sort of trend. Afraid it already has.

Probably deleted for the best. Back to the review.

I am no addict and so cannot possibly truly connect to the story empathetically. But I was able to understand it in a human to human kind of way. It was an important read if for nothing else but to portray a different life than my own. We all occasionally need that reminder.

When I heard about that whole Oprah -Frey incident, I was more than a little annoyed. I personally rate books based on how I connect with them as well as how entertained I was while reading them. As a reader, I do not feel personally betrayed when I find that a book, a piece of art, has been creatively enhanced. Because that's how I see it, creatively enhanced to make it about more, to add drama, to add effect and to force the reader into a different perspective. Oprah felt betrayed by the fact that it was referred to as a memoir, which she defined as more of an autobiography. Freys exaggerated time spent in jail or his blurred memory about a dentist visit does not make him any less of an author, a best-selling author at that. Oprah made a boo boo.

Next book: The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin. Back to the positive thing!

Definition of an adult: part 1

I can't figure out what is going on in the world and it's becoming increasingly frusterating. I believe that knowing of and understanding current events is important, not just to seem intelligent at cocktail parties or in front of your intellectual friends, but because being clued in on our world affairs is an incredible asset of the well-rounded human being. How can I possibly be upset, angered, passionate or excited at any new discovery, event, decision, anything, when I don't even minorally understand what that really means for the nation or the world? I am not saying that I want to know every detail of every fact or be able to recite the biography of every significant politico, I am just saying that I would like to have a moment of thorough cognitive recognition when I see or hear anything at all political or noteworthy in general.

I want to be worldly, but I will settle for somewhat knowledgable.

Right now all I see and hear are "sfshfkjhdsfirhewnfidhv erheworfhsdfkn" and I am starting to feel like an ignorant fool. Once out of college, keeping up on anything newsworthy becomes difficlut, even a strain. I don't want to end up spouting what I hear from others without any sort of context. I want to be able to hold an adult conversation.

Am I lazy? Well then call us lazy. There has got to be more than one with this same frustration. Is this the problem with today's society? Too many opinions, not enough real understanding?

Am I hitting on too many entirely different issues? I feel that I am.

Here lies my particular frustration. How does one jump into any discussion of a current event? How can one possibly decipher between fact and opinion without basic know-how on who, what, where, and why? Where can I find this primary information? That's what we need. I mean, am I the only one who wants to understand, wants to be a productive adult with actual valid opinions but is getting lost in the media frenzy? There are too many options for finding information and it's becoming counterproductive. Where is that internet site that searches for the basic W-question facts after entering a keyword query?

It needs to be displayed plainly in front of me. Search keyword "War in Afghanistan" and I want to see Who, What, Where and Why lined up first thing followed by links, descriptions, pictures, etc. Does this site exist? I promise you it would change my life. If not, well get on it Google!

Once I feel that I have a basic knowledge of world events and people, then I will truly consider myself an adult.

It's about time

I finally joined a gym I think I'm going to stick with. Well, at least I hope so. After over a year of "next month or so, when I have enough time and money, I am going to check out the gyms around and get myself feeling fit again," I marched myself over to the Gold's down the street and signed up then and there. That was Saturday and I think I have been doing pretty well since then. Gym Monday, Tuesday and ... well not today but a full hour tomorrow and on the weekend. My goal? 4 days a weeks. Why does this seem like a challenge?

I know that I feel not only physically, but mentally better, like REALLY better - GREAT even, when I work out in some form. And theoretically, Gold's has it all. Group exercise has always been the best way for me to work out and there are many evening and even weekend classes available to me. But still, I know that there will be obstacles preventing my "workout success. " Maybe "success" itself is one of those very obstacles.

I tend to start things with gusto. Recently, I found that this is common trait of an Aries (not that I believe astrology is the be all, know all). However, once I initiate, I eventually lose interest and move on. I am starting to think that maybe this has to do with fear. The fear of what though? Of failing or succeeding?

When I get these ideas, ideas that are intended to make my life or the life of others better, like this gym membership for instance, I usually mull them over for awhile. So when I say 'gusto' I mean more like I am enthusiastic but gradually so. In other words, I won't jump until I feel pushed. This has defined my entire goal system. The pusher could be someone or thing else, or it could just be me pissed off that I haven't started already. Call it procrastination in a sense. Anyways, I play with the idea for a bit and eventually I begin this process of success or betterment.

After about a of couple weeks or the first few steps of this process, I find that little road blocks tend to appear like fatigue, running out of time, feeling bad about ignoring Phoebe or plain old lack of interest. But I realize that all these obstacles are really only excuses. Even the lack of interest. I am sabotaging myself, setting myself of for failure only so I don't have to deal with it later. See, surprisingly, I'm all about just getting bad things over with while I procrastinate the good ones.

Following me?

So now I think, when was the last time I ever completed any of my grand ideas fully or at lease stick with it long enough to receive the benefits? Ever?

How often do any of us stick with our good ideas? Are we all just sabotaging ourselves out of the fear that we may eventually fail? Because if we fail at our own idea, then what is that tell us about our ideas??

Maybe it's even worse. We booby trap our goals in order to avoid success. Success means change and power. And power can be just as scary as it is, well, empowering. It implies that we have to not only maintain it, but use it, and often.

This idea exhaust me even just thinking about it.

So I've rambled on and on about my own neurosis all the while sitting on my ass instead of working out. But hey, it's ok. Tomorrow will be day three and I can definitely make it to four by the end of the week. Baby steps right?


*Note: To be better? Better at what? Living? Why must we be always striving to feel and be better? Sure to be more on this later.

friendship tests, car thoughts and memberships

I get all my best ideas while driving. This is unfortunate because unless I use one of those little portable recorders with the tiny cassette tapes, WHICH I happen to have - both recorder and tapes - (but feel a little pretentious when using them, like I think I'm some kind of reporter or something) - I rarely remember what brilliant thoughts I had once around the appropriate writing utensils. And even on the occasion, like now, when I do somewhat remember them, the genius manifesto has turned weird and disjointed. These are the occasions where I feel like I am prematurely developing dementia and will never succeed as any kind of writer, ever.

I vaguely remember thinking about movie critiques and how misguided they are. Like every movie is supposed to be some mind-bending and life-changing depiction of the depths of our very souls. What? Exactly. They are missing the primary purpose of movies - to entertain. The fact that a version of life is portrayed in film is just a side-effect of the only kind of life that is known by it's creators.

See my point here? That when I was in my car driving back to work after lunch, I had this awesome thought process enter my brain about movies and reviews and I even remember thinking, you are never going to remember this later. And though I proved myself wrong, the articulation and connection has gone far, far away. Now I am only rambling like a fool.

Oh, on the friendship test? I didn't pass it. and looks like I am going to join Gold's only because I am feeling unhappy and sluggish.

Lighten up indeed.

I have discovered something beautiful today. Through various clicking at links from the 6 or so tweets I follow, I have come across this site: Stratejoy.com. And I feel...hopeful.? Not that I was drifting into the shadows of deep despair or anything in the first place, but, by some degree, I can often describe my feeling at any given moment as bored/anxious/weary.

I am bored at my life's routine, but afraid to change it. I am anxious about what the future brings and if I can handle it. I am weary with feeling, so much damn feeling!, consuming my every decision.

And at the same time I feel guilty (there's that word again) and ridiculous for feeling that such a state of crisis exists. Because is it really a crisis? Well thank you stratejoy, I am starting to feel like it legitimately can be and in fact, is to most 20-30 something people.

So now two things: 1. I am not alone...this is good maybe the guilt and freakish neurosis can now dissipate and 2. If this is so common, why is it that I feel so alone regardless. Now I realize that #2 can very well be a symptom of the whole quarterlife crisis phase but the weariness part of my any-given-feeling tells me that if the only solution is to let it pass and continue then I might as well just lay down and sleep through the next decade in hopes of waking to sunnier and more confident days.

Case in point: The girl, well I assumed she was a young woman about age 24-27 or so, I have been making small talk with at TurboKick over the past 5 weeks divulged her entrepreneur status to me today as we parted ways. More like I asked what she did for a living and she simply responded with "Oh, I own a small store downtown" like small as opposed to nothing big meaning that she is either a very young and fabulous looking 30-something or she is really only a few years or so my senior (maybe even just 24! gasp!) and owns her own business selling high fashion pricey clothing no less! I'm sure my eyes were momentarily both glazed over and wide as saucers at this statement but I recovered with a "I bet you love your job!" exclamation meaning "Please hire me immediately so that we can co-own your business..pretty please..." Sigh. And my competitive edge takes over as I call my mother on the drive home and wonder why can't I own a business...


So see I obviously still need to invest more time into searching and reading through more of the blogs, commentary and links of the site. I get the drift and this drift seems kind of like a nice big wave. Who doesn't like waves? I'm talking positives waves of the hello hand kind or even the surfer's dream kind. I could use a push to higher ground where the air is clear and I can breathe easier. I need to know that I CAN own a business if I so choose to.

So this is the ultimate challenge to do what I love and love what I do. In every sense of the phrase. This will come gradually but I'm working at it. All I can do right now is say: Yes, it is ok for me to eat that little cookie before bed. Yes, it is ok to go back through previous blog posts and edit them even though you only have one reader and it's your sister and why do you insist on writing for an nonexistent audience anyway...but it's still ok, it's practice, continue. Yes, it is ok to want to compete with strangers without their knowledge as long as you can give yourself credit where it is due and consider it drive and determination. Yes, I will get better everyday.

spring prep, impulses and a plan of action

i finally buckled down and forced myself to clean out the closet tonight.

A semi-annual event, the ridding of too worn out, too big, too small, too ugly and just too much, always lifts some of that lingering mix of guilt and anxiety that settles in after realizing that there are too many things in your life. Literally "things" that collect after impulse purchases resulting from various degrees of too much feelings.

"I'm feeling down, let's go to Target!" "I'm pissed, Forever 21 here I come!" "God I'm stressed, better relax at the good old JC Penney!" Sound familiar?

I buy clothes, makeup, accessories and even food at whim by this point, choosing based off colors rather than fit and convincing myself that in future, better days, this would all look/feel/taste amazing on or in me. I believe it borders on an addiction when one manically drives to the nearest shopping center and proceeds to speed walk through the parking lot and up and down aisles looking for that fix; a special feeling that nothing seems to satisfy. Much like a crack whore looks for her nearest drug dealer.,, Too blunt?

Oh and how disturbed I feel weeks later when I realize that I will never wear that god awful shirt or those hurtful shoes. I will never use that fruit or cheese for that fabulous recipe, instead it will rot in my apartment. They all just end up rotting in my apartment. And then that's where the real guilt comes in. It's a vicious cycle, it really is. I am talking hundreds probably thousands of $ spent on impulse "emotional shopping." And every season, as a I clean out the things I basically bought just to store, I feel like a turd. I really am a materialistic animal just like the rest of America.

However, once the guilt passes, I am on my way to feeling empowered and excited. Just giddy with the thought of a new season, new possibilities and a new plan of action now unburdened by things. Of course, there will still be things. There will always be things. But I'd like to think that these things accumulate a little slower than before and will be loved for being the beautiful things they are. And when I rid of these nicer things, it will be for a better purpose than to rid of the unsightly and unused.

I realize that it may sound like I am justifying my continued, often gluttonous, consuming. But really aren't I only to trying to cleanse myself of guilt and anxiety, to stop the cycle by acknowledging and letting it pass. I am finding that this attitude resolves a lot of negative emotions. Now if only I could figure out what to do with the pile of shoes, purses and clothes just sitting in the corner...

Fantasy Dinner Party in detail

I was probably a more intelligent person when I did not have cable, however, the joy that Leonard Maltin gives me for even a small moment surpasses the percentage of brain power I have to sacrifice in order to catch him on the Reelz Channel. Phew. I don't know what it is, oh yes I do, it's his whole demeanor, the direct unblinking eye contact, the rigid posture and steadfast arms and the sheer joy he expresses reviewing truly good films. I would take his advice any day.




What a friendly looking guy. He officially has one ivory name card positioned above an eggshell blue place setting at my fantasy dinner party.

I have been thinking a lot about my fantasy dinner party. And by a lot I mean the last 10 minutes, which I think is a perfect amount of time to think about who one would invite if so given the opportunity because everyone should be prepared for such an extravagant dinner party and please, no dead people. That is just ridiculous. So after much deliberation, the lucky individuals will be Mr. Maltin, Tom Hanks because he is a genius, Lady Gaga because I find her to be crazy and crazy in the best possible way and also because she and Tom would probably get along judging by this quote...yes I know it's about Beyonce but potato, patato. I am sure they would become fast friends. Coco and Steve Martin would make it for obvious reasons and John Mayer would be allowed to make a guest appearance just to hear him say something arrogant and outrageous and then we could all make jokes at his expense after he was escorted out by The Rock and Sarah Jessica Parker.

BTW: Week four of TurboKick only illustrated how I am definitely the best turbokicker in the class. *Compliment of the Day* I love you self.

Here he is again....swoon...

someone like me

Comparing my life to someone else's is something I do often. Often without even thinking. Without realizing that what I think are my dreams are really only envious thoughts about decisions others made. I am coveting choices that I am angry for not taking. I am angry for not coming up with those choices. For not thinking those wonderful words written by infamous poets and writers and bloggers and women my own age who can change the minds of others. I do not even think of myself as a woman. So how can I make these choices. How can I be someone that I cannot even dredge up the notion of being?

When I feel most lost, I am overwhelmed with the reality that I have to live my life and mine only. Little girls dream about growing up and being whoever they want to be. The infinity of possibility. They are told they can become their wildest dreams. They wonder what that someone will be and they are not scared. Why be afraid when you can be anything. I imagined myself smart and strong. I saw a girl who was friends with everyone. She looked like the girls I saw in magazines and on tv. She was on her way up, successful. She made her parents proud.

When I was a little older, I saw a girl that brushed away her insecurities, that moved to big cities and worked. She was independent. She was important. She was surrounded with the excitement of dreams coming true. Big things were happening for her.

Today I am unable to write about a woman. Without thinking the word 'girl' is dashed across the keyboard and I don't know why. I don't understand why I cry when I see other people, fictional people's dreams come true and I see their parents in the front row in tears of pride.

I am not the first girlwoman to feel lost and to write about their confusion of the word 'woman.' I certainly won't be the last. There have been and will be far more significant words written about this topic, subject, notion, 'phase'. About what it means to be a woman. And beyond that, what it means to grow up. To come to terms with the idea that maybe those dreams we had as children were not expectations, but only make-believe. Dreams as real as cotton candy trees and unicorns. Except that I have a hard time believing that who I wanted to be was only the fanciful reading of one of my fictional storybook. These may not have been your expectations or society's expectations of me, but they were my own. I wanted. I expected and I assumed that when I became a woman, I would be everything that mattered.

I never set a date. Everyday that passes I change my view on myself and who I am supposed to be. But I remember the expectations I set for myself and maybe this is what holds me back.

Regardless, I know that I am comparing myself to others even as I type. Whether I am good enough is not the question. Only if it matters to you. And though this page may be scattered with I's, there are others. Do not think that I am not aware of others. I see them everyday and know that as I compare myself to them, they are doing the same to other others. This will continue until the expectations have been met. This post is cryptic, I am aware of this too.

My ego leaves me with this. Move forward, do not disregard any decisions you have made but learn to make more. Choices are all that are ours. They are our legacies and our currency.

I am not trying to change the world but am expected to.

Courage and Granola

Phoebe keeps chewing on a disgusting piece of bone that vaguely resembles a patella, or what I imagine a patella bone to look like, and if I question this she stares at me with crazypants eyes and begins a series of growls that sound like she is telling me to back the F off, that's right the F. "What's your beef?!" she says.

Housewives of Orange County is on and I am wishing that Samantha Brown was on Travel Channel. Both shows tend to make me feel bad about myself. Actually I lie, Housewives makes me feel bad about the female population in general, Sam B makes me wish that I could live her life and then I wonder, why can't I? What the hell is stopping me from having a successful 10 year career on the Travel Channel seeing the world and meeting awesome new people for FREE!!??? BEST JOB EVER.

Answer: Fear. I'm boarding on 23, too soon for a quarter life crisis? Probably, but I have graduated from college and I think that qualifies me to at least be anticipating it and there is nothing worse than fearful anticipation. I am afraid to back a move that would require me to change my lifestyle so instead I bemoan the fact that I have no real goals for my future and settle into habits that will someday be the bane of my existence....dang.

be positive! be positive!

new favorite quote:
"It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are." ~e.e. cummings

Thank you e.e. ,thank you. It does and I am trying.

Food Moment: beautiful strawberry banana smoothie swooshed out the bottom of my beloved blender causing a mess that almost made me cry, however, I persevered AND made a toasty wonderful batch of granola. =)

I started this blog out of positive determination for the positively positiveness, and ended up being completely grouchy all weekend. I want to say that this just figures, of course I would be in a piss-poor mood after deciding to do the absolute opposite. But that would be wrong. That would be wrapping up what is only a normal passing feeling into a poop covered package. And the truth is, I am continually striving to be positive, until I get frustrated. Such is life.

Went to Winco today to pick up some TP and chicken...both good and important...and ended up, as ALWAYS, getting a little more than planned. Walking out of the apartment to the car, driving car, speed walking into store like a maniac, suspiciously staring at fruits and veggies and bulk bins and then dodging eyes with literally everyone around me and the WHOLE time I'm thinking, "Your goal is $30, $40 is ok, but aim for $30." Walked out of store $57 poorer. BOO!

Bright side??? At least I rarely spend money on fast food or foodie outings...that's Chad's job =)


I kid. I kid.

Fake it till you make it

I'm flipping through various internet pages looking for cute clothes and interesting blogs simultaneously. Top ten most popular blogs, best media blogs, best bisexual blogs, dating blogs, techie blogs, financial blogs (boooorriing). And each one that I am curious enough to open a new tab on gets a few milliseconds of my attention: I read the first sentence or two, decide if I like the font, graphics, overall page design and then click, they are now officially in my Favorites list...not that this means anything because what I am doing is saving them to read LATER which could be NEVER and 5 months from now I will organize this list and "click, click" delete. SAD. Why do I even bother?

See, I am researching or online shopping with the intent of researching... meaning that I want to research good blog writing so that someday my writing, and therefore I, may be interesting enough to have an audience and then, of course, fame and fortune follows. Because after all, I find myself continually writing with the intention of it at some point being read by someone other than myself. Doesn't everyone do that? Call me narcissistic then. Whatever. BUT, with all this research and effort being put into this writing practice/experiement/stress release this will, HAS to morph into the "bestest most average blog there is." ... Right?


I feel I should explain why I would be seen "across a dark parking lot" as mentioned at the end of last post...I have a little dog and, like any good mommy, she must potty before bed, after I have washed face and added tinted mess. I know "you" were wondering.

#3 of my Top 5 Deepest Fears: Turning around to find myself at middle age and still working in an office doing data entry from 9-5. I yearn for a calling. But with the realization that at my age (read, much too young to be thinking about this, I know, I know) no one has a calling. Not really. Having a job = true understanding that time does in fact fly. And at Metro speeds. Barf.

Keep on keepin on to the 2010 Reader's Choice Awards in blogs. Sure to find a gem here.

Ho Hum

I was reading the tweets of my five or so followees a couple weeks ago and came across THIS linked by two tweetquaintices who did not to my knowledge know of each other (as neither know personally of me). I read quickly and one could even say fervidly and immediately felt I must share such a viewpoint with my dear facebook friends. Nobody really cared. However, I did and since then it has occasionally crept up in wandering thoughts. Why DO people give so much of their attention to the negative? It's as if man-kind almost enjoys writing off any unexpected (or even self-fulfilled) outcome to absolutely anything as disappointingly disappointing. Well as depressing as that sounds, disappointing even, I am determined to switch things up. If this is about anything at all it's about grabbing that universe by the wrists and looking into it's eyes. I'll save us both if I can.







Meanwhile, tinted Clearsil as opposed to original all too telling benzoyl-ed white Clearsil, brings anxious thoughts of false hopes and worsened conditions....positive spin: not quite so obvious from across the room, or in my case, across the darkened parking lot.