It's about time

I finally joined a gym I think I'm going to stick with. Well, at least I hope so. After over a year of "next month or so, when I have enough time and money, I am going to check out the gyms around and get myself feeling fit again," I marched myself over to the Gold's down the street and signed up then and there. That was Saturday and I think I have been doing pretty well since then. Gym Monday, Tuesday and ... well not today but a full hour tomorrow and on the weekend. My goal? 4 days a weeks. Why does this seem like a challenge?

I know that I feel not only physically, but mentally better, like REALLY better - GREAT even, when I work out in some form. And theoretically, Gold's has it all. Group exercise has always been the best way for me to work out and there are many evening and even weekend classes available to me. But still, I know that there will be obstacles preventing my "workout success. " Maybe "success" itself is one of those very obstacles.

I tend to start things with gusto. Recently, I found that this is common trait of an Aries (not that I believe astrology is the be all, know all). However, once I initiate, I eventually lose interest and move on. I am starting to think that maybe this has to do with fear. The fear of what though? Of failing or succeeding?

When I get these ideas, ideas that are intended to make my life or the life of others better, like this gym membership for instance, I usually mull them over for awhile. So when I say 'gusto' I mean more like I am enthusiastic but gradually so. In other words, I won't jump until I feel pushed. This has defined my entire goal system. The pusher could be someone or thing else, or it could just be me pissed off that I haven't started already. Call it procrastination in a sense. Anyways, I play with the idea for a bit and eventually I begin this process of success or betterment.

After about a of couple weeks or the first few steps of this process, I find that little road blocks tend to appear like fatigue, running out of time, feeling bad about ignoring Phoebe or plain old lack of interest. But I realize that all these obstacles are really only excuses. Even the lack of interest. I am sabotaging myself, setting myself of for failure only so I don't have to deal with it later. See, surprisingly, I'm all about just getting bad things over with while I procrastinate the good ones.

Following me?

So now I think, when was the last time I ever completed any of my grand ideas fully or at lease stick with it long enough to receive the benefits? Ever?

How often do any of us stick with our good ideas? Are we all just sabotaging ourselves out of the fear that we may eventually fail? Because if we fail at our own idea, then what is that tell us about our ideas??

Maybe it's even worse. We booby trap our goals in order to avoid success. Success means change and power. And power can be just as scary as it is, well, empowering. It implies that we have to not only maintain it, but use it, and often.

This idea exhaust me even just thinking about it.

So I've rambled on and on about my own neurosis all the while sitting on my ass instead of working out. But hey, it's ok. Tomorrow will be day three and I can definitely make it to four by the end of the week. Baby steps right?


*Note: To be better? Better at what? Living? Why must we be always striving to feel and be better? Sure to be more on this later.