I am starting to notice, now more than ever, that everything I have ever internally asked for, I have received. I wonder, is this true for everyone? When we truly want something, or even just imagine it - visualize it- does the opportunity arise? Then, if it doesn't, is it because we ignored it?
For example, I have been feeling out of sorts lately. Every so often, an inkling of fear takes hold and I am stricken insecure. Critical of everything about me, I slouch a little deeper and smile a little less. This has been the case for the last few weeks and I am finding myself searching for the positive to arise, out of something, somewhere.
In comes, The Happiness Project. I picked up this book after an Amazon book search for recommendations similar to Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. Gretchen Rubin's memoir about her quest for a happier self displayed itself and I went to the local Barnes & Noble the next day, used up the last of my gift cards and took it home excited to see what my own Happiness Project could possibly bring.
Basically, since I had been in one of my "bad moods" as Chad refers to them, it was surely a sign. I had asked and now I had received, basically the solution to the overbearing evil mood.
Now, one would probably think that I ran right home and read it in a matter of hours. Well, one would be wrong. There it set next to my bed for a solid week, maybe even 10 days (acknowledgement of time has since disappeared since the whole 40 hours a week thing began) before I even picked it up, and then even for only a page before I decided to do something else instead.
So what do you call that? Was the book that bad? Did I suddenly not care if I could be a happier self? It was more like I knew that once I began this book, I would have to start really thinking about it. Kind of like a self-sabotage against happiness. I would have to start pointing the blame at me. I was, after all, in charge of my own happiness, right?
This is all self-reflection of course. I haven't really grasped why I feel the way I do. But, I have started to read the book and it makes sense. In fact, after reading about the first month of Gretchen's happiness project, I woke up the next day with her commandments and goals in my head. 'Go to bed earlier, clean up both visual and mental clutter, and just plain act energetic.' I was probably the happiest I had been all week that day. Results from a magical book? Eh.... Maybe I am just really susceptible to semi-cheesy optimistic answers. Yup, I like that.
So I will continue to read about someone else's quest for happiness and hopefully learn. What is my own solution for a bad mood. What would make me happier? If it is really true that we are all both the same and different, then perhaps Gretchen's ideas about happiness may also touch on my own in some way.
Remember that Charlie Brown book, "Happiness Is..." (or something like that)? I believe I felt that every answer in that little book would make me happy too. Maybe now's a good time to start reading the Tao Te Ching, and just BE.
Ah, so many questions and there are probably only a few real answers. I suppose I could ask for them internally and just watch for them to appear.
BTW, The Showtime's hit series, The United States of Tara is very entertaining. Got me hooked from the pilot episode. A clever look at Dissociative Identity Disorder which I find fascinating, not to mention that the family's dealings with this type disorder could teach us all a thing or two about accepting and adapting.
=)
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