I have discovered something beautiful today. Through various clicking at links from the 6 or so tweets I follow, I have come across this site: Stratejoy.com. And I feel...hopeful.? Not that I was drifting into the shadows of deep despair or anything in the first place, but, by some degree, I can often describe my feeling at any given moment as bored/anxious/weary.

I am bored at my life's routine, but afraid to change it. I am anxious about what the future brings and if I can handle it. I am weary with feeling, so much damn feeling!, consuming my every decision.

And at the same time I feel guilty (there's that word again) and ridiculous for feeling that such a state of crisis exists. Because is it really a crisis? Well thank you stratejoy, I am starting to feel like it legitimately can be and in fact, is to most 20-30 something people.

So now two things: 1. I am not alone...this is good maybe the guilt and freakish neurosis can now dissipate and 2. If this is so common, why is it that I feel so alone regardless. Now I realize that #2 can very well be a symptom of the whole quarterlife crisis phase but the weariness part of my any-given-feeling tells me that if the only solution is to let it pass and continue then I might as well just lay down and sleep through the next decade in hopes of waking to sunnier and more confident days.

Case in point: The girl, well I assumed she was a young woman about age 24-27 or so, I have been making small talk with at TurboKick over the past 5 weeks divulged her entrepreneur status to me today as we parted ways. More like I asked what she did for a living and she simply responded with "Oh, I own a small store downtown" like small as opposed to nothing big meaning that she is either a very young and fabulous looking 30-something or she is really only a few years or so my senior (maybe even just 24! gasp!) and owns her own business selling high fashion pricey clothing no less! I'm sure my eyes were momentarily both glazed over and wide as saucers at this statement but I recovered with a "I bet you love your job!" exclamation meaning "Please hire me immediately so that we can co-own your business..pretty please..." Sigh. And my competitive edge takes over as I call my mother on the drive home and wonder why can't I own a business...


So see I obviously still need to invest more time into searching and reading through more of the blogs, commentary and links of the site. I get the drift and this drift seems kind of like a nice big wave. Who doesn't like waves? I'm talking positives waves of the hello hand kind or even the surfer's dream kind. I could use a push to higher ground where the air is clear and I can breathe easier. I need to know that I CAN own a business if I so choose to.

So this is the ultimate challenge to do what I love and love what I do. In every sense of the phrase. This will come gradually but I'm working at it. All I can do right now is say: Yes, it is ok for me to eat that little cookie before bed. Yes, it is ok to go back through previous blog posts and edit them even though you only have one reader and it's your sister and why do you insist on writing for an nonexistent audience anyway...but it's still ok, it's practice, continue. Yes, it is ok to want to compete with strangers without their knowledge as long as you can give yourself credit where it is due and consider it drive and determination. Yes, I will get better everyday.