A much longer and whinier post than originally intended

Hello, I am a twenty-something average woman who is lucky enough to hold down a full time job, is in my first long term relationship and still makes enough time for a gym membership, yet, I still talk to my mother at least once, if not twice, or three times, a day.

I recently read that the feeling of loneliness can be determined by how much contact one has with women. Meaning that between both men and women, being lonely was caused by a lack of communication and relationship with a female. Time spent with men did not even factor into this equation. Gretchen Rubin noted this in her February chapter of The Happiness Project. I love my mom and I have found myself with fewer friends these days so is this close phone relationship with my mother because, regardless of the full life I have made for myself, I have still managed to feel lonely?

I don't necessarily mind that I speak to my mother probably more than the average college graduate. She has that uncanny ability to irritate me and reassure me all in the same call. And maybe I shouldn't even be questioning if I am lonely or not, but I can not ignore that having only a few options when I want to spend some quality female-to-female time really hits that lonely note.

I feel guilty for even complaining, but reading Rubin's little info tidbit made me sigh with understanding. A few options equals a few opinions, a few perspectives and basically a general lack of friends.

See, these options are composed of my mainly my mother and my sister. Biased and similar in opinion. And though I love Chad, he probably even qualifies as my best friend, he is male and therefore useless as a deep, reflective and utterly female insight kind of relationship.

I am not male bashing, just acknowledging that men do not communicate like women do and to expect a thoughtful conversation about feelings, insecurities or footwear is not realistic. In fact, it is the expecting that really puts a damper on things and I have to constantly remind myself to accept that Chad is not a stand-in for a best girl friend, which is something entirely to it's own.

The couple girlfriends I do have, they are great but not without obstacles. Obstacles preventing a deeper friendship I mean. Whether it be poorly matched schedules or a literal long distance between us, I am still left missing the female connection. After 20 years of always having a best friend by my side, this three year lapse as started to take it's toll.

Where did all the girlfriends go? In actuality, I probably pushed them away in a quest to grow up a bit and since then every time a possibility comes around, I seem to scare her into acquantanceville, the place for semi-friend who are nice and all, but not really meant for any type of divulging or phone calls after 7 pm. Do I come across as too desperate, needy, or maybe the opposite affect, too aloof. Did I say the wrong thing? Fail some secret friendship test? Hey, maybe it's because I refer to her as "the possibility." A possibility for what? A beautiful budding bff forever?! Pretty scary. No wonder. Looking for new friends is scarier than dating. There seems to be so much more at risk.

Actually, I understand that the friendships I do have are more than likely normal adult relationships and I only want more because the media and stalking facebook photos has developed the notion that friends are aplenty and it;s not normal not to talk or see one on a daily basis. I can be logical about this. I guess what I want is just more options and less lonely. Because more is always better right? Perhaps not in some scenarios, like choosing an outfit or dessert, but in the case of friendships, how could more not be better?

To the point: I want Carrie, Samantha, Charlotte AND Miranda in my life. Let's make it into a Fivesome Friendship!

Ask and you shall Receive

I am starting to notice, now more than ever, that everything I have ever internally asked for, I have received. I wonder, is this true for everyone? When we truly want something, or even just imagine it - visualize it- does the opportunity arise? Then, if it doesn't, is it because we ignored it?

For example, I have been feeling out of sorts lately. Every so often, an inkling of fear takes hold and I am stricken insecure. Critical of everything about me, I slouch a little deeper and smile a little less. This has been the case for the last few weeks and I am finding myself searching for the positive to arise, out of something, somewhere.

In comes, The Happiness Project. I picked up this book after an Amazon book search for recommendations similar to Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. Gretchen Rubin's memoir about her quest for a happier self displayed itself and I went to the local Barnes & Noble the next day, used up the last of my gift cards and took it home excited to see what my own Happiness Project could possibly bring.

Basically, since I had been in one of my "bad moods" as Chad refers to them, it was surely a sign. I had asked and now I had received, basically the solution to the overbearing evil mood.

Now, one would probably think that I ran right home and read it in a matter of hours. Well, one would be wrong. There it set next to my bed for a solid week, maybe even 10 days (acknowledgement of time has since disappeared since the whole 40 hours a week thing began) before I even picked it up, and then even for only a page before I decided to do something else instead.

So what do you call that? Was the book that bad? Did I suddenly not care if I could be a happier self? It was more like I knew that once I began this book, I would have to start really thinking about it. Kind of like a self-sabotage against happiness. I would have to start pointing the blame at me. I was, after all, in charge of my own happiness, right?

This is all self-reflection of course. I haven't really grasped why I feel the way I do. But, I have started to read the book and it makes sense. In fact, after reading about the first month of Gretchen's happiness project, I woke up the next day with her commandments and goals in my head. 'Go to bed earlier, clean up both visual and mental clutter, and just plain act energetic.' I was probably the happiest I had been all week that day. Results from a magical book? Eh.... Maybe I am just really susceptible to semi-cheesy optimistic answers. Yup, I like that.

So I will continue to read about someone else's quest for happiness and hopefully learn. What is my own solution for a bad mood. What would make me happier? If it is really true that we are all both the same and different, then perhaps Gretchen's ideas about happiness may also touch on my own in some way.

Remember that Charlie Brown book, "Happiness Is..." (or something like that)? I believe I felt that every answer in that little book would make me happy too. Maybe now's a good time to start reading the Tao Te Ching, and just BE.

Ah, so many questions and there are probably only a few real answers. I suppose I could ask for them internally and just watch for them to appear.



BTW, The Showtime's hit series, The United States of Tara is very entertaining. Got me hooked from the pilot episode. A clever look at Dissociative Identity Disorder which I find fascinating, not to mention that the family's dealings with this type disorder could teach us all a thing or two about accepting and adapting.

=)

not enough time and this whole health reform "crisis"

We're all a little batshit crazy.

Explanation? Mostly I just wanted to use that phrase. Really? First I want to point out that I would love to write about more important issues more frequently, or issues that I find fascinating and readable when I scope the blog scene, but I want them to be good so I am drafting them. Get excited.

Next, google reader is weighing me down man! I keep starring articles I want to read from Huffington Post and Slate which posts a crazy amount of new articles daily and keeping up is starting to become a MUST and my starred "to read" list has reached 60. WHAT?! And if I got a kindle like I've been thinking about (they CAN connect to Internet right?) then I could read these articles EVERYWHERE 24/7 and how magical would that be?! Probably not so much when my neck begins to permanently bend at a weird angle and all hope for good posture go out the window.

AND finally, health reform...Obama? Right on. Republicans? Why so sad? All I hear is people spouting out hateful and ridiculous amounts of bull much like a small child throwing a tantrum because he didn't get his way. What's so scary? What is REALLY the issue here? I feel like people are grasping at whatever fall-back Republican issues to hurdle as a response. Taxes, Immigrants, Constitutional rights and that's what really bugs me the most, "it's not constitutional to force people to have health insurance, not everyone wants to have health insurance." Excuse me? Who then pays for the delivery of your child? Your son's broken arm? Your emergency triple bypass surgery?

It's not about taking away our god-given rights as Americans-we are#1! not about growing our nation's debt or gasp! helping out the less fortunate who definitely don't deserve it! No, it's about not getting your way. The reform went against the Republicans' plan, therefore hate! hate! hate! Crisis! We are doomed!

What is really bothering you? And more importantly WHO is telling you it's a bother to begin with?

Barf.

1: Book Review

I'm sort of stealing this idea from In Search of Squid blogger Heather Rae. I recently subscribed to her blog on my Reader (love it! both reader and squid), found through stratejoy, and now I get notices of all her postings including book reviews. I want to get back into reading again because it's something I've always loved to do and I don't want to lose that so why not continue to practice my writing my incorporating it with reading.




I just finished the infamous, perhaps notorious, A Million Little Pieces by James Frey. You know, the "pseudo memoir" that Oprah defamed after bits of it were found to be fabricated? The story is about James, a recovering alcholoic and drug addict who hit rock bottom so hard in his early twenties that he wrote a detailed and disturbing 448 paged account of it. Most memorable about the book, besides the emotional story and Oprah's upset over it, was the way it was written. The lack of puncuation and page-turning poetic style. Oh, and that the cover featured a hand covered in rainbow sprinkles, I admit, this is what first intrigued me.

(Entire paragraph was accidently deleted here and that makes me want to punch the keyboard so, sorry, don't get to read those words of wisdom)

It was about Intervention and Hoarders and other shows like seen on TLC. I am on the fence about them - good for some, exploitative for others. Don't want to see real issues become reproduced like some sort of trend. Afraid it already has.

Probably deleted for the best. Back to the review.

I am no addict and so cannot possibly truly connect to the story empathetically. But I was able to understand it in a human to human kind of way. It was an important read if for nothing else but to portray a different life than my own. We all occasionally need that reminder.

When I heard about that whole Oprah -Frey incident, I was more than a little annoyed. I personally rate books based on how I connect with them as well as how entertained I was while reading them. As a reader, I do not feel personally betrayed when I find that a book, a piece of art, has been creatively enhanced. Because that's how I see it, creatively enhanced to make it about more, to add drama, to add effect and to force the reader into a different perspective. Oprah felt betrayed by the fact that it was referred to as a memoir, which she defined as more of an autobiography. Freys exaggerated time spent in jail or his blurred memory about a dentist visit does not make him any less of an author, a best-selling author at that. Oprah made a boo boo.

Next book: The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin. Back to the positive thing!

Definition of an adult: part 1

I can't figure out what is going on in the world and it's becoming increasingly frusterating. I believe that knowing of and understanding current events is important, not just to seem intelligent at cocktail parties or in front of your intellectual friends, but because being clued in on our world affairs is an incredible asset of the well-rounded human being. How can I possibly be upset, angered, passionate or excited at any new discovery, event, decision, anything, when I don't even minorally understand what that really means for the nation or the world? I am not saying that I want to know every detail of every fact or be able to recite the biography of every significant politico, I am just saying that I would like to have a moment of thorough cognitive recognition when I see or hear anything at all political or noteworthy in general.

I want to be worldly, but I will settle for somewhat knowledgable.

Right now all I see and hear are "sfshfkjhdsfirhewnfidhv erheworfhsdfkn" and I am starting to feel like an ignorant fool. Once out of college, keeping up on anything newsworthy becomes difficlut, even a strain. I don't want to end up spouting what I hear from others without any sort of context. I want to be able to hold an adult conversation.

Am I lazy? Well then call us lazy. There has got to be more than one with this same frustration. Is this the problem with today's society? Too many opinions, not enough real understanding?

Am I hitting on too many entirely different issues? I feel that I am.

Here lies my particular frustration. How does one jump into any discussion of a current event? How can one possibly decipher between fact and opinion without basic know-how on who, what, where, and why? Where can I find this primary information? That's what we need. I mean, am I the only one who wants to understand, wants to be a productive adult with actual valid opinions but is getting lost in the media frenzy? There are too many options for finding information and it's becoming counterproductive. Where is that internet site that searches for the basic W-question facts after entering a keyword query?

It needs to be displayed plainly in front of me. Search keyword "War in Afghanistan" and I want to see Who, What, Where and Why lined up first thing followed by links, descriptions, pictures, etc. Does this site exist? I promise you it would change my life. If not, well get on it Google!

Once I feel that I have a basic knowledge of world events and people, then I will truly consider myself an adult.

It's about time

I finally joined a gym I think I'm going to stick with. Well, at least I hope so. After over a year of "next month or so, when I have enough time and money, I am going to check out the gyms around and get myself feeling fit again," I marched myself over to the Gold's down the street and signed up then and there. That was Saturday and I think I have been doing pretty well since then. Gym Monday, Tuesday and ... well not today but a full hour tomorrow and on the weekend. My goal? 4 days a weeks. Why does this seem like a challenge?

I know that I feel not only physically, but mentally better, like REALLY better - GREAT even, when I work out in some form. And theoretically, Gold's has it all. Group exercise has always been the best way for me to work out and there are many evening and even weekend classes available to me. But still, I know that there will be obstacles preventing my "workout success. " Maybe "success" itself is one of those very obstacles.

I tend to start things with gusto. Recently, I found that this is common trait of an Aries (not that I believe astrology is the be all, know all). However, once I initiate, I eventually lose interest and move on. I am starting to think that maybe this has to do with fear. The fear of what though? Of failing or succeeding?

When I get these ideas, ideas that are intended to make my life or the life of others better, like this gym membership for instance, I usually mull them over for awhile. So when I say 'gusto' I mean more like I am enthusiastic but gradually so. In other words, I won't jump until I feel pushed. This has defined my entire goal system. The pusher could be someone or thing else, or it could just be me pissed off that I haven't started already. Call it procrastination in a sense. Anyways, I play with the idea for a bit and eventually I begin this process of success or betterment.

After about a of couple weeks or the first few steps of this process, I find that little road blocks tend to appear like fatigue, running out of time, feeling bad about ignoring Phoebe or plain old lack of interest. But I realize that all these obstacles are really only excuses. Even the lack of interest. I am sabotaging myself, setting myself of for failure only so I don't have to deal with it later. See, surprisingly, I'm all about just getting bad things over with while I procrastinate the good ones.

Following me?

So now I think, when was the last time I ever completed any of my grand ideas fully or at lease stick with it long enough to receive the benefits? Ever?

How often do any of us stick with our good ideas? Are we all just sabotaging ourselves out of the fear that we may eventually fail? Because if we fail at our own idea, then what is that tell us about our ideas??

Maybe it's even worse. We booby trap our goals in order to avoid success. Success means change and power. And power can be just as scary as it is, well, empowering. It implies that we have to not only maintain it, but use it, and often.

This idea exhaust me even just thinking about it.

So I've rambled on and on about my own neurosis all the while sitting on my ass instead of working out. But hey, it's ok. Tomorrow will be day three and I can definitely make it to four by the end of the week. Baby steps right?


*Note: To be better? Better at what? Living? Why must we be always striving to feel and be better? Sure to be more on this later.

friendship tests, car thoughts and memberships

I get all my best ideas while driving. This is unfortunate because unless I use one of those little portable recorders with the tiny cassette tapes, WHICH I happen to have - both recorder and tapes - (but feel a little pretentious when using them, like I think I'm some kind of reporter or something) - I rarely remember what brilliant thoughts I had once around the appropriate writing utensils. And even on the occasion, like now, when I do somewhat remember them, the genius manifesto has turned weird and disjointed. These are the occasions where I feel like I am prematurely developing dementia and will never succeed as any kind of writer, ever.

I vaguely remember thinking about movie critiques and how misguided they are. Like every movie is supposed to be some mind-bending and life-changing depiction of the depths of our very souls. What? Exactly. They are missing the primary purpose of movies - to entertain. The fact that a version of life is portrayed in film is just a side-effect of the only kind of life that is known by it's creators.

See my point here? That when I was in my car driving back to work after lunch, I had this awesome thought process enter my brain about movies and reviews and I even remember thinking, you are never going to remember this later. And though I proved myself wrong, the articulation and connection has gone far, far away. Now I am only rambling like a fool.

Oh, on the friendship test? I didn't pass it. and looks like I am going to join Gold's only because I am feeling unhappy and sluggish.

Lighten up indeed.