I have discovered something beautiful today. Through various clicking at links from the 6 or so tweets I follow, I have come across this site: Stratejoy.com. And I feel...hopeful.? Not that I was drifting into the shadows of deep despair or anything in the first place, but, by some degree, I can often describe my feeling at any given moment as bored/anxious/weary.
I am bored at my life's routine, but afraid to change it. I am anxious about what the future brings and if I can handle it. I am weary with feeling, so much damn feeling!, consuming my every decision.
And at the same time I feel guilty (there's that word again) and ridiculous for feeling that such a state of crisis exists. Because is it really a crisis? Well thank you stratejoy, I am starting to feel like it legitimately can be and in fact, is to most 20-30 something people.
So now two things: 1. I am not alone...this is good maybe the guilt and freakish neurosis can now dissipate and 2. If this is so common, why is it that I feel so alone regardless. Now I realize that #2 can very well be a symptom of the whole quarterlife crisis phase but the weariness part of my any-given-feeling tells me that if the only solution is to let it pass and continue then I might as well just lay down and sleep through the next decade in hopes of waking to sunnier and more confident days.
Case in point: The girl, well I assumed she was a young woman about age 24-27 or so, I have been making small talk with at TurboKick over the past 5 weeks divulged her entrepreneur status to me today as we parted ways. More like I asked what she did for a living and she simply responded with "Oh, I own a small store downtown" like small as opposed to nothing big meaning that she is either a very young and fabulous looking 30-something or she is really only a few years or so my senior (maybe even just 24! gasp!) and owns her own business selling high fashion pricey clothing no less! I'm sure my eyes were momentarily both glazed over and wide as saucers at this statement but I recovered with a "I bet you love your job!" exclamation meaning "Please hire me immediately so that we can co-own your business..pretty please..." Sigh. And my competitive edge takes over as I call my mother on the drive home and wonder why can't I own a business...
So see I obviously still need to invest more time into searching and reading through more of the blogs, commentary and links of the site. I get the drift and this drift seems kind of like a nice big wave. Who doesn't like waves? I'm talking positives waves of the hello hand kind or even the surfer's dream kind. I could use a push to higher ground where the air is clear and I can breathe easier. I need to know that I CAN own a business if I so choose to.
So this is the ultimate challenge to do what I love and love what I do. In every sense of the phrase. This will come gradually but I'm working at it. All I can do right now is say: Yes, it is ok for me to eat that little cookie before bed. Yes, it is ok to go back through previous blog posts and edit them even though you only have one reader and it's your sister and why do you insist on writing for an nonexistent audience anyway...but it's still ok, it's practice, continue. Yes, it is ok to want to compete with strangers without their knowledge as long as you can give yourself credit where it is due and consider it drive and determination. Yes, I will get better everyday.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
spring prep, impulses and a plan of action
i finally buckled down and forced myself to clean out the closet tonight.
A semi-annual event, the ridding of too worn out, too big, too small, too ugly and just too much, always lifts some of that lingering mix of guilt and anxiety that settles in after realizing that there are too many things in your life. Literally "things" that collect after impulse purchases resulting from various degrees of too much feelings.
"I'm feeling down, let's go to Target!" "I'm pissed, Forever 21 here I come!" "God I'm stressed, better relax at the good old JC Penney!" Sound familiar?
I buy clothes, makeup, accessories and even food at whim by this point, choosing based off colors rather than fit and convincing myself that in future, better days, this would all look/feel/taste amazing on or in me. I believe it borders on an addiction when one manically drives to the nearest shopping center and proceeds to speed walk through the parking lot and up and down aisles looking for that fix; a special feeling that nothing seems to satisfy. Much like a crack whore looks for her nearest drug dealer.,, Too blunt?
Oh and how disturbed I feel weeks later when I realize that I will never wear that god awful shirt or those hurtful shoes. I will never use that fruit or cheese for that fabulous recipe, instead it will rot in my apartment. They all just end up rotting in my apartment. And then that's where the real guilt comes in. It's a vicious cycle, it really is. I am talking hundreds probably thousands of $ spent on impulse "emotional shopping." And every season, as a I clean out the things I basically bought just to store, I feel like a turd. I really am a materialistic animal just like the rest of America.
However, once the guilt passes, I am on my way to feeling empowered and excited. Just giddy with the thought of a new season, new possibilities and a new plan of action now unburdened by things. Of course, there will still be things. There will always be things. But I'd like to think that these things accumulate a little slower than before and will be loved for being the beautiful things they are. And when I rid of these nicer things, it will be for a better purpose than to rid of the unsightly and unused.
I realize that it may sound like I am justifying my continued, often gluttonous, consuming. But really aren't I only to trying to cleanse myself of guilt and anxiety, to stop the cycle by acknowledging and letting it pass. I am finding that this attitude resolves a lot of negative emotions. Now if only I could figure out what to do with the pile of shoes, purses and clothes just sitting in the corner...
A semi-annual event, the ridding of too worn out, too big, too small, too ugly and just too much, always lifts some of that lingering mix of guilt and anxiety that settles in after realizing that there are too many things in your life. Literally "things" that collect after impulse purchases resulting from various degrees of too much feelings.
"I'm feeling down, let's go to Target!" "I'm pissed, Forever 21 here I come!" "God I'm stressed, better relax at the good old JC Penney!" Sound familiar?
I buy clothes, makeup, accessories and even food at whim by this point, choosing based off colors rather than fit and convincing myself that in future, better days, this would all look/feel/taste amazing on or in me. I believe it borders on an addiction when one manically drives to the nearest shopping center and proceeds to speed walk through the parking lot and up and down aisles looking for that fix; a special feeling that nothing seems to satisfy. Much like a crack whore looks for her nearest drug dealer.,, Too blunt?
Oh and how disturbed I feel weeks later when I realize that I will never wear that god awful shirt or those hurtful shoes. I will never use that fruit or cheese for that fabulous recipe, instead it will rot in my apartment. They all just end up rotting in my apartment. And then that's where the real guilt comes in. It's a vicious cycle, it really is. I am talking hundreds probably thousands of $ spent on impulse "emotional shopping." And every season, as a I clean out the things I basically bought just to store, I feel like a turd. I really am a materialistic animal just like the rest of America.
However, once the guilt passes, I am on my way to feeling empowered and excited. Just giddy with the thought of a new season, new possibilities and a new plan of action now unburdened by things. Of course, there will still be things. There will always be things. But I'd like to think that these things accumulate a little slower than before and will be loved for being the beautiful things they are. And when I rid of these nicer things, it will be for a better purpose than to rid of the unsightly and unused.
I realize that it may sound like I am justifying my continued, often gluttonous, consuming. But really aren't I only to trying to cleanse myself of guilt and anxiety, to stop the cycle by acknowledging and letting it pass. I am finding that this attitude resolves a lot of negative emotions. Now if only I could figure out what to do with the pile of shoes, purses and clothes just sitting in the corner...
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Fantasy Dinner Party in detail
I was probably a more intelligent person when I did not have cable, however, the joy that Leonard Maltin gives me for even a small moment surpasses the percentage of brain power I have to sacrifice in order to catch him on the Reelz Channel. Phew. I don't know what it is, oh yes I do, it's his whole demeanor, the direct unblinking eye contact, the rigid posture and steadfast arms and the sheer joy he expresses reviewing truly good films. I would take his advice any day.
What a friendly looking guy. He officially has one ivory name card positioned above an eggshell blue place setting at my fantasy dinner party.
I have been thinking a lot about my fantasy dinner party. And by a lot I mean the last 10 minutes, which I think is a perfect amount of time to think about who one would invite if so given the opportunity because everyone should be prepared for such an extravagant dinner party and please, no dead people. That is just ridiculous. So after much deliberation, the lucky individuals will be Mr. Maltin, Tom Hanks because he is a genius, Lady Gaga because I find her to be crazy and crazy in the best possible way and also because she and Tom would probably get along judging by this quote...yes I know it's about Beyonce but potato, patato. I am sure they would become fast friends. Coco and Steve Martin would make it for obvious reasons and John Mayer would be allowed to make a guest appearance just to hear him say something arrogant and outrageous and then we could all make jokes at his expense after he was escorted out by The Rock and Sarah Jessica Parker.
BTW: Week four of TurboKick only illustrated how I am definitely the best turbokicker in the class. *Compliment of the Day* I love you self.
Here he is again....swoon...
What a friendly looking guy. He officially has one ivory name card positioned above an eggshell blue place setting at my fantasy dinner party.
I have been thinking a lot about my fantasy dinner party. And by a lot I mean the last 10 minutes, which I think is a perfect amount of time to think about who one would invite if so given the opportunity because everyone should be prepared for such an extravagant dinner party and please, no dead people. That is just ridiculous. So after much deliberation, the lucky individuals will be Mr. Maltin, Tom Hanks because he is a genius, Lady Gaga because I find her to be crazy and crazy in the best possible way and also because she and Tom would probably get along judging by this quote...yes I know it's about Beyonce but potato, patato. I am sure they would become fast friends. Coco and Steve Martin would make it for obvious reasons and John Mayer would be allowed to make a guest appearance just to hear him say something arrogant and outrageous and then we could all make jokes at his expense after he was escorted out by The Rock and Sarah Jessica Parker.
BTW: Week four of TurboKick only illustrated how I am definitely the best turbokicker in the class. *Compliment of the Day* I love you self.
Here he is again....swoon...
Monday, February 15, 2010
someone like me
Comparing my life to someone else's is something I do often. Often without even thinking. Without realizing that what I think are my dreams are really only envious thoughts about decisions others made. I am coveting choices that I am angry for not taking. I am angry for not coming up with those choices. For not thinking those wonderful words written by infamous poets and writers and bloggers and women my own age who can change the minds of others. I do not even think of myself as a woman. So how can I make these choices. How can I be someone that I cannot even dredge up the notion of being?
When I feel most lost, I am overwhelmed with the reality that I have to live my life and mine only. Little girls dream about growing up and being whoever they want to be. The infinity of possibility. They are told they can become their wildest dreams. They wonder what that someone will be and they are not scared. Why be afraid when you can be anything. I imagined myself smart and strong. I saw a girl who was friends with everyone. She looked like the girls I saw in magazines and on tv. She was on her way up, successful. She made her parents proud.
When I was a little older, I saw a girl that brushed away her insecurities, that moved to big cities and worked. She was independent. She was important. She was surrounded with the excitement of dreams coming true. Big things were happening for her.
Today I am unable to write about a woman. Without thinking the word 'girl' is dashed across the keyboard and I don't know why. I don't understand why I cry when I see other people, fictional people's dreams come true and I see their parents in the front row in tears of pride.
I am not the first girlwoman to feel lost and to write about their confusion of the word 'woman.' I certainly won't be the last. There have been and will be far more significant words written about this topic, subject, notion, 'phase'. About what it means to be a woman. And beyond that, what it means to grow up. To come to terms with the idea that maybe those dreams we had as children were not expectations, but only make-believe. Dreams as real as cotton candy trees and unicorns. Except that I have a hard time believing that who I wanted to be was only the fanciful reading of one of my fictional storybook. These may not have been your expectations or society's expectations of me, but they were my own. I wanted. I expected and I assumed that when I became a woman, I would be everything that mattered.
I never set a date. Everyday that passes I change my view on myself and who I am supposed to be. But I remember the expectations I set for myself and maybe this is what holds me back.
Regardless, I know that I am comparing myself to others even as I type. Whether I am good enough is not the question. Only if it matters to you. And though this page may be scattered with I's, there are others. Do not think that I am not aware of others. I see them everyday and know that as I compare myself to them, they are doing the same to other others. This will continue until the expectations have been met. This post is cryptic, I am aware of this too.
My ego leaves me with this. Move forward, do not disregard any decisions you have made but learn to make more. Choices are all that are ours. They are our legacies and our currency.
I am not trying to change the world but am expected to.
When I feel most lost, I am overwhelmed with the reality that I have to live my life and mine only. Little girls dream about growing up and being whoever they want to be. The infinity of possibility. They are told they can become their wildest dreams. They wonder what that someone will be and they are not scared. Why be afraid when you can be anything. I imagined myself smart and strong. I saw a girl who was friends with everyone. She looked like the girls I saw in magazines and on tv. She was on her way up, successful. She made her parents proud.
When I was a little older, I saw a girl that brushed away her insecurities, that moved to big cities and worked. She was independent. She was important. She was surrounded with the excitement of dreams coming true. Big things were happening for her.
Today I am unable to write about a woman. Without thinking the word 'girl' is dashed across the keyboard and I don't know why. I don't understand why I cry when I see other people, fictional people's dreams come true and I see their parents in the front row in tears of pride.
I am not the first girlwoman to feel lost and to write about their confusion of the word 'woman.' I certainly won't be the last. There have been and will be far more significant words written about this topic, subject, notion, 'phase'. About what it means to be a woman. And beyond that, what it means to grow up. To come to terms with the idea that maybe those dreams we had as children were not expectations, but only make-believe. Dreams as real as cotton candy trees and unicorns. Except that I have a hard time believing that who I wanted to be was only the fanciful reading of one of my fictional storybook. These may not have been your expectations or society's expectations of me, but they were my own. I wanted. I expected and I assumed that when I became a woman, I would be everything that mattered.
I never set a date. Everyday that passes I change my view on myself and who I am supposed to be. But I remember the expectations I set for myself and maybe this is what holds me back.
Regardless, I know that I am comparing myself to others even as I type. Whether I am good enough is not the question. Only if it matters to you. And though this page may be scattered with I's, there are others. Do not think that I am not aware of others. I see them everyday and know that as I compare myself to them, they are doing the same to other others. This will continue until the expectations have been met. This post is cryptic, I am aware of this too.
My ego leaves me with this. Move forward, do not disregard any decisions you have made but learn to make more. Choices are all that are ours. They are our legacies and our currency.
I am not trying to change the world but am expected to.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Courage and Granola
Phoebe keeps chewing on a disgusting piece of bone that vaguely resembles a patella, or what I imagine a patella bone to look like, and if I question this she stares at me with crazypants eyes and begins a series of growls that sound like she is telling me to back the F off, that's right the F. "What's your beef?!" she says.
Housewives of Orange County is on and I am wishing that Samantha Brown was on Travel Channel. Both shows tend to make me feel bad about myself. Actually I lie, Housewives makes me feel bad about the female population in general, Sam B makes me wish that I could live her life and then I wonder, why can't I? What the hell is stopping me from having a successful 10 year career on the Travel Channel seeing the world and meeting awesome new people for FREE!!??? BEST JOB EVER.
Answer: Fear. I'm boarding on 23, too soon for a quarter life crisis? Probably, but I have graduated from college and I think that qualifies me to at least be anticipating it and there is nothing worse than fearful anticipation. I am afraid to back a move that would require me to change my lifestyle so instead I bemoan the fact that I have no real goals for my future and settle into habits that will someday be the bane of my existence....dang.
be positive! be positive!
new favorite quote:
"It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are." ~e.e. cummings
Thank you e.e. ,thank you. It does and I am trying.
Food Moment: beautiful strawberry banana smoothie swooshed out the bottom of my beloved blender causing a mess that almost made me cry, however, I persevered AND made a toasty wonderful batch of granola. =)
Housewives of Orange County is on and I am wishing that Samantha Brown was on Travel Channel. Both shows tend to make me feel bad about myself. Actually I lie, Housewives makes me feel bad about the female population in general, Sam B makes me wish that I could live her life and then I wonder, why can't I? What the hell is stopping me from having a successful 10 year career on the Travel Channel seeing the world and meeting awesome new people for FREE!!??? BEST JOB EVER.
Answer: Fear. I'm boarding on 23, too soon for a quarter life crisis? Probably, but I have graduated from college and I think that qualifies me to at least be anticipating it and there is nothing worse than fearful anticipation. I am afraid to back a move that would require me to change my lifestyle so instead I bemoan the fact that I have no real goals for my future and settle into habits that will someday be the bane of my existence....dang.
be positive! be positive!
new favorite quote:
"It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are." ~e.e. cummings
Thank you e.e. ,thank you. It does and I am trying.
Food Moment: beautiful strawberry banana smoothie swooshed out the bottom of my beloved blender causing a mess that almost made me cry, however, I persevered AND made a toasty wonderful batch of granola. =)
Monday, February 8, 2010
I started this blog out of positive determination for the positively positiveness, and ended up being completely grouchy all weekend. I want to say that this just figures, of course I would be in a piss-poor mood after deciding to do the absolute opposite. But that would be wrong. That would be wrapping up what is only a normal passing feeling into a poop covered package. And the truth is, I am continually striving to be positive, until I get frustrated. Such is life.
Went to Winco today to pick up some TP and chicken...both good and important...and ended up, as ALWAYS, getting a little more than planned. Walking out of the apartment to the car, driving car, speed walking into store like a maniac, suspiciously staring at fruits and veggies and bulk bins and then dodging eyes with literally everyone around me and the WHOLE time I'm thinking, "Your goal is $30, $40 is ok, but aim for $30." Walked out of store $57 poorer. BOO!
Bright side??? At least I rarely spend money on fast food or foodie outings...that's Chad's job =)
I kid. I kid.
Went to Winco today to pick up some TP and chicken...both good and important...and ended up, as ALWAYS, getting a little more than planned. Walking out of the apartment to the car, driving car, speed walking into store like a maniac, suspiciously staring at fruits and veggies and bulk bins and then dodging eyes with literally everyone around me and the WHOLE time I'm thinking, "Your goal is $30, $40 is ok, but aim for $30." Walked out of store $57 poorer. BOO!
Bright side??? At least I rarely spend money on fast food or foodie outings...that's Chad's job =)
I kid. I kid.
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Fake it till you make it
I'm flipping through various internet pages looking for cute clothes and interesting blogs simultaneously. Top ten most popular blogs, best media blogs, best bisexual blogs, dating blogs, techie blogs, financial blogs (boooorriing). And each one that I am curious enough to open a new tab on gets a few milliseconds of my attention: I read the first sentence or two, decide if I like the font, graphics, overall page design and then click, they are now officially in my Favorites list...not that this means anything because what I am doing is saving them to read LATER which could be NEVER and 5 months from now I will organize this list and "click, click" delete. SAD. Why do I even bother?
See, I am researching or online shopping with the intent of researching... meaning that I want to research good blog writing so that someday my writing, and therefore I, may be interesting enough to have an audience and then, of course, fame and fortune follows. Because after all, I find myself continually writing with the intention of it at some point being read by someone other than myself. Doesn't everyone do that? Call me narcissistic then. Whatever. BUT, with all this research and effort being put into this writing practice/experiement/stress release this will, HAS to morph into the "bestest most average blog there is." ... Right?
I feel I should explain why I would be seen "across a dark parking lot" as mentioned at the end of last post...I have a little dog and, like any good mommy, she must potty before bed, after I have washed face and added tinted mess. I know "you" were wondering.
#3 of my Top 5 Deepest Fears: Turning around to find myself at middle age and still working in an office doing data entry from 9-5. I yearn for a calling. But with the realization that at my age (read, much too young to be thinking about this, I know, I know) no one has a calling. Not really. Having a job = true understanding that time does in fact fly. And at Metro speeds. Barf.
Keep on keepin on to the 2010 Reader's Choice Awards in blogs. Sure to find a gem here.
See, I am researching or online shopping with the intent of researching... meaning that I want to research good blog writing so that someday my writing, and therefore I, may be interesting enough to have an audience and then, of course, fame and fortune follows. Because after all, I find myself continually writing with the intention of it at some point being read by someone other than myself. Doesn't everyone do that? Call me narcissistic then. Whatever. BUT, with all this research and effort being put into this writing practice/experiement/stress release this will, HAS to morph into the "bestest most average blog there is." ... Right?
I feel I should explain why I would be seen "across a dark parking lot" as mentioned at the end of last post...I have a little dog and, like any good mommy, she must potty before bed, after I have washed face and added tinted mess. I know "you" were wondering.
#3 of my Top 5 Deepest Fears: Turning around to find myself at middle age and still working in an office doing data entry from 9-5. I yearn for a calling. But with the realization that at my age (read, much too young to be thinking about this, I know, I know) no one has a calling. Not really. Having a job = true understanding that time does in fact fly. And at Metro speeds. Barf.
Keep on keepin on to the 2010 Reader's Choice Awards in blogs. Sure to find a gem here.
Ho Hum
I was reading the tweets of my five or so followees a couple weeks ago and came across THIS linked by two tweetquaintices who did not to my knowledge know of each other (as neither know personally of me). I read quickly and one could even say fervidly and immediately felt I must share such a viewpoint with my dear facebook friends. Nobody really cared. However, I did and since then it has occasionally crept up in wandering thoughts. Why DO people give so much of their attention to the negative? It's as if man-kind almost enjoys writing off any unexpected (or even self-fulfilled) outcome to absolutely anything as disappointingly disappointing. Well as depressing as that sounds, disappointing even, I am determined to switch things up. If this is about anything at all it's about grabbing that universe by the wrists and looking into it's eyes. I'll save us both if I can.
Meanwhile, tinted Clearsil as opposed to original all too telling benzoyl-ed white Clearsil, brings anxious thoughts of false hopes and worsened conditions....positive spin: not quite so obvious from across the room, or in my case, across the darkened parking lot.
Meanwhile, tinted Clearsil as opposed to original all too telling benzoyl-ed white Clearsil, brings anxious thoughts of false hopes and worsened conditions....positive spin: not quite so obvious from across the room, or in my case, across the darkened parking lot.
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