I've slowly began my return to writing this week. Seed.com offers freelance work for only a limited number of projects and though this makes it difficult to find something I could actually say anything about, I feel that it's a good way to start a possible journey into the freelance world. I already submitted 100 words for a beauty advice page. It was declined literally overnight. It's good that I did it though. Gave me something to look forward to in terms of my "career" or even hobby, whatever I decide to turn this into. Even typing out those hundred words in ten minutes, I could feel the bricks in my writing wall crumble just a tiny bit. I guess I'm afraid of criticism, anyone's and my own, but as long as I'm learning what is there to fail?
I do wish that I was better versed in something, anything at all. I don't feel that this blog, which I mostly use as a sound of board for my own thoughts, is something I could point to and confidently say showcases my writing ability. It seems that only a blog that focused on a particular subject would be more appropriate.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Thursday, July 15, 2010
gunk and money
I never fail to have a chunk of salmon or something stuck in my grill. It must be a tight fit back there...yet not tight enough. There is this spot between two of my front-side left teeth that seems to be the perfect spot for food to nestle in without me having a clue until my nightly floss. Yes, I floss. You should too. Because if I hadn't started flossing this year, I would have never noticed all the little crevices that food can hide in. I guess that's the purpose of flossing, to slide between the crevices and scoot out the gunk, but you want to do it tenderly because man, that shit can hurt and bleed like mofo. Essentially a paper cut on your gums...*shudder.* Plus, you don't want food particles spraying up all over your mirror. Besides all that, flossing can be fun. Nothing like cleaning out the nastiness that resides on and in between the body....so explains the eagerness of dental hygienists.
I've been busy. So much for the long lazy days of summer once you enter the workforce. And then there's summer moving days which equals furniture buying/moving days = wii buying days = bbqing nightly = loss of money = need to work full time = fast track to depression and eternal exhaustion. The funny thing is, after all this change, I need a change.
I'm tired of what I'm doing. Tired of talking about what I should be doing. Tired of wasting my time and others. I am both bored and busy. I want a change yet am too tired (bored) to actually make the change. I am becoming one of the countless lethargic and apathetic people that disgrace mankind with their lack of passion and determination. Except that I do care , I just don't know what I care about.
Oh for the love of decisions. I just want to open a book of careers and point.
Drink more water. That's what my mom says.
I've been busy. So much for the long lazy days of summer once you enter the workforce. And then there's summer moving days which equals furniture buying/moving days = wii buying days = bbqing nightly = loss of money = need to work full time = fast track to depression and eternal exhaustion. The funny thing is, after all this change, I need a change.
I'm tired of what I'm doing. Tired of talking about what I should be doing. Tired of wasting my time and others. I am both bored and busy. I want a change yet am too tired (bored) to actually make the change. I am becoming one of the countless lethargic and apathetic people that disgrace mankind with their lack of passion and determination. Except that I do care , I just don't know what I care about.
Oh for the love of decisions. I just want to open a book of careers and point.
Drink more water. That's what my mom says.
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Ick....but it's ok
I'm skipping my writing community ed class and probably going to skip an intense workout too. I think I will spend my evening the old fashioned, pre-workout routine way, by sitting on the living room floor, watching Sex and the City and various other shows while eating dark chocolate M&M's and ice cream.
I thought about feeling guilty for this...I did spend $30 on the class and am now missing a session with only 4 to miss, and even though my first excuse (that it looked like a wicked storm was coming) has kind of disappeared and I still have time to make it, it's a twenty minute drive across town and I am going with the better luck next week mentality. And though this may look like I am falling back into old patterns I'm not. This is simply a mental health night.
Since it already feels like an icky week at work, I'm not going to stress it at home. Guilt be gone! What I am slowly learning is that you gotta do what you want, what your feeling at that time. Granted, what I am feelin at most times is not to steal lipsticks at Shopko or roll around wasted on my kitchen floor but more like slumping on the couch and unstimulating my mind with trash tv and magazines. What's the harm in that?
Also, to summarize thoughts from The Happiness Project, if you feel like poo, act like ice cream. Meaning, ice cream is so much better/happier/nicer than a pile of stink; so help yourself out and fake it till you make it.
Point being, you just have to roll with the punches and enjoy yourself minus the icky guilt. You don't have to continually tell yourself that you suck as a human being just because you aren't living up some so-called ideal expectations. And for God's sake, don't get vocal with your self-insults, you'll look like a sad person, or at least a worrisome person and nobody wants to chat with a worrisome self-insulter. Even when you are having an icky week and don't want to talk to anyone anyway, this is not the way to go about it! Don't burn bridges, this is another wise cliche I've learned.
So basically this post was brought to you by the letter A for: Awesome Advice, Acting how you want to feel and Always having Amazing ice cream.
I am going to go get a bowl of said ice cream and crack open my SHAPE workout magazine while sitting on my ass now.
I thought about feeling guilty for this...I did spend $30 on the class and am now missing a session with only 4 to miss, and even though my first excuse (that it looked like a wicked storm was coming) has kind of disappeared and I still have time to make it, it's a twenty minute drive across town and I am going with the better luck next week mentality. And though this may look like I am falling back into old patterns I'm not. This is simply a mental health night.
Since it already feels like an icky week at work, I'm not going to stress it at home. Guilt be gone! What I am slowly learning is that you gotta do what you want, what your feeling at that time. Granted, what I am feelin at most times is not to steal lipsticks at Shopko or roll around wasted on my kitchen floor but more like slumping on the couch and unstimulating my mind with trash tv and magazines. What's the harm in that?
Also, to summarize thoughts from The Happiness Project, if you feel like poo, act like ice cream. Meaning, ice cream is so much better/happier/nicer than a pile of stink; so help yourself out and fake it till you make it.
Point being, you just have to roll with the punches and enjoy yourself minus the icky guilt. You don't have to continually tell yourself that you suck as a human being just because you aren't living up some so-called ideal expectations. And for God's sake, don't get vocal with your self-insults, you'll look like a sad person, or at least a worrisome person and nobody wants to chat with a worrisome self-insulter. Even when you are having an icky week and don't want to talk to anyone anyway, this is not the way to go about it! Don't burn bridges, this is another wise cliche I've learned.
So basically this post was brought to you by the letter A for: Awesome Advice, Acting how you want to feel and Always having Amazing ice cream.
I am going to go get a bowl of said ice cream and crack open my SHAPE workout magazine while sitting on my ass now.
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Carrie Bradshaw - my new BFF, fanatical shopping and cheesecake dinners
The week is flowing along semi-smoothly with the bumps involving missing ipods, allergies and pale legs...and since I unofficially made Wednesdays my 'no gym' fun days, I decided to explore some rarely visited shopping arenas while indulging my latest fashion cravings.
The root of this hunger? Shoes. I have been wanting, NEEDing new shoes and as I sit here listening to Samantha tell her 3 best gal pals about kegals I am basking in the glory that is cute new shoes.
Nikes,
not that I am a name brand hound, but they are PRETTY! AND they happen to be just what I was looking for, more or less.
Though the Sports Authority salesman somewhat ominously stated that he 'knew' which ones they were before I even opened the box to show him,he found my size (the very last ones which OF COURSE means it was meant to be!) and I happily pranced to the front counter for purchase. Well actually, I hulked to the front counter after circling the store two or three more times because as it is stated in the title, this was an evening of fanatical shopping. Hulked...because I am haggard from allergies which means my eyes are practically in the back of my head and droopy and, well, haggard people hulk.
Oh, and I saw this: http://www.karatedepot.com/tr-bg-02.html
Ok, not exactly this but this one had better ratings so it is now on my wish list. I like to punch and kick things. Excitement!
So since I was shopping in such a state, I couldn't go home now! I drove to Kohls which I never go to because that means driving to Meridian, however I reasoned that I was half way there so I might as well check it out. With Phoebe alongside me (best shopping buddy ever) we drove the distance. Was it worth it? If you call two sexy rocker black clearance purses worth it then yes, yes it was. Excitement.
By the time I had circled that store 5 or 6 times, I made it back to my vehicle and home. It was now 9:30 and there was no dinner in my belly. Salt in the late evening equals a very bloaty morning and so the only reasonable solution was to have cheesecake and strawberries instead. Very Satisfying.
At the moment, I am half way through my Sex and the City marathon and about ready for bed. Job well done Jennifer, job well done.
The root of this hunger? Shoes. I have been wanting, NEEDing new shoes and as I sit here listening to Samantha tell her 3 best gal pals about kegals I am basking in the glory that is cute new shoes.
Nikes,not that I am a name brand hound, but they are PRETTY! AND they happen to be just what I was looking for, more or less.
Though the Sports Authority salesman somewhat ominously stated that he 'knew' which ones they were before I even opened the box to show him,he found my size (the very last ones which OF COURSE means it was meant to be!) and I happily pranced to the front counter for purchase. Well actually, I hulked to the front counter after circling the store two or three more times because as it is stated in the title, this was an evening of fanatical shopping. Hulked...because I am haggard from allergies which means my eyes are practically in the back of my head and droopy and, well, haggard people hulk.
Oh, and I saw this: http://www.karatedepot.com/tr-bg-02.html
Ok, not exactly this but this one had better ratings so it is now on my wish list. I like to punch and kick things. Excitement!
So since I was shopping in such a state, I couldn't go home now! I drove to Kohls which I never go to because that means driving to Meridian, however I reasoned that I was half way there so I might as well check it out. With Phoebe alongside me (best shopping buddy ever) we drove the distance. Was it worth it? If you call two sexy rocker black clearance purses worth it then yes, yes it was. Excitement.
By the time I had circled that store 5 or 6 times, I made it back to my vehicle and home. It was now 9:30 and there was no dinner in my belly. Salt in the late evening equals a very bloaty morning and so the only reasonable solution was to have cheesecake and strawberries instead. Very Satisfying.
At the moment, I am half way through my Sex and the City marathon and about ready for bed. Job well done Jennifer, job well done.
Sunday, March 28, 2010
A much longer and whinier post than originally intended
Hello, I am a twenty-something average woman who is lucky enough to hold down a full time job, is in my first long term relationship and still makes enough time for a gym membership, yet, I still talk to my mother at least once, if not twice, or three times, a day.
I recently read that the feeling of loneliness can be determined by how much contact one has with women. Meaning that between both men and women, being lonely was caused by a lack of communication and relationship with a female. Time spent with men did not even factor into this equation. Gretchen Rubin noted this in her February chapter of The Happiness Project. I love my mom and I have found myself with fewer friends these days so is this close phone relationship with my mother because, regardless of the full life I have made for myself, I have still managed to feel lonely?
I don't necessarily mind that I speak to my mother probably more than the average college graduate. She has that uncanny ability to irritate me and reassure me all in the same call. And maybe I shouldn't even be questioning if I am lonely or not, but I can not ignore that having only a few options when I want to spend some quality female-to-female time really hits that lonely note.
I feel guilty for even complaining, but reading Rubin's little info tidbit made me sigh with understanding. A few options equals a few opinions, a few perspectives and basically a general lack of friends.
See, these options are composed of my mainly my mother and my sister. Biased and similar in opinion. And though I love Chad, he probably even qualifies as my best friend, he is male and therefore useless as a deep, reflective and utterly female insight kind of relationship.
I am not male bashing, just acknowledging that men do not communicate like women do and to expect a thoughtful conversation about feelings, insecurities or footwear is not realistic. In fact, it is the expecting that really puts a damper on things and I have to constantly remind myself to accept that Chad is not a stand-in for a best girl friend, which is something entirely to it's own.
The couple girlfriends I do have, they are great but not without obstacles. Obstacles preventing a deeper friendship I mean. Whether it be poorly matched schedules or a literal long distance between us, I am still left missing the female connection. After 20 years of always having a best friend by my side, this three year lapse as started to take it's toll.
Where did all the girlfriends go? In actuality, I probably pushed them away in a quest to grow up a bit and since then every time a possibility comes around, I seem to scare her into acquantanceville, the place for semi-friend who are nice and all, but not really meant for any type of divulging or phone calls after 7 pm. Do I come across as too desperate, needy, or maybe the opposite affect, too aloof. Did I say the wrong thing? Fail some secret friendship test? Hey, maybe it's because I refer to her as "the possibility." A possibility for what? A beautiful budding bff forever?! Pretty scary. No wonder. Looking for new friends is scarier than dating. There seems to be so much more at risk.
Actually, I understand that the friendships I do have are more than likely normal adult relationships and I only want more because the media and stalking facebook photos has developed the notion that friends are aplenty and it;s not normal not to talk or see one on a daily basis. I can be logical about this. I guess what I want is just more options and less lonely. Because more is always better right? Perhaps not in some scenarios, like choosing an outfit or dessert, but in the case of friendships, how could more not be better?
To the point: I want Carrie, Samantha, Charlotte AND Miranda in my life. Let's make it into a Fivesome Friendship!
I recently read that the feeling of loneliness can be determined by how much contact one has with women. Meaning that between both men and women, being lonely was caused by a lack of communication and relationship with a female. Time spent with men did not even factor into this equation. Gretchen Rubin noted this in her February chapter of The Happiness Project. I love my mom and I have found myself with fewer friends these days so is this close phone relationship with my mother because, regardless of the full life I have made for myself, I have still managed to feel lonely?
I don't necessarily mind that I speak to my mother probably more than the average college graduate. She has that uncanny ability to irritate me and reassure me all in the same call. And maybe I shouldn't even be questioning if I am lonely or not, but I can not ignore that having only a few options when I want to spend some quality female-to-female time really hits that lonely note.
I feel guilty for even complaining, but reading Rubin's little info tidbit made me sigh with understanding. A few options equals a few opinions, a few perspectives and basically a general lack of friends.
See, these options are composed of my mainly my mother and my sister. Biased and similar in opinion. And though I love Chad, he probably even qualifies as my best friend, he is male and therefore useless as a deep, reflective and utterly female insight kind of relationship.
I am not male bashing, just acknowledging that men do not communicate like women do and to expect a thoughtful conversation about feelings, insecurities or footwear is not realistic. In fact, it is the expecting that really puts a damper on things and I have to constantly remind myself to accept that Chad is not a stand-in for a best girl friend, which is something entirely to it's own.
The couple girlfriends I do have, they are great but not without obstacles. Obstacles preventing a deeper friendship I mean. Whether it be poorly matched schedules or a literal long distance between us, I am still left missing the female connection. After 20 years of always having a best friend by my side, this three year lapse as started to take it's toll.
Where did all the girlfriends go? In actuality, I probably pushed them away in a quest to grow up a bit and since then every time a possibility comes around, I seem to scare her into acquantanceville, the place for semi-friend who are nice and all, but not really meant for any type of divulging or phone calls after 7 pm. Do I come across as too desperate, needy, or maybe the opposite affect, too aloof. Did I say the wrong thing? Fail some secret friendship test? Hey, maybe it's because I refer to her as "the possibility." A possibility for what? A beautiful budding bff forever?! Pretty scary. No wonder. Looking for new friends is scarier than dating. There seems to be so much more at risk.
Actually, I understand that the friendships I do have are more than likely normal adult relationships and I only want more because the media and stalking facebook photos has developed the notion that friends are aplenty and it;s not normal not to talk or see one on a daily basis. I can be logical about this. I guess what I want is just more options and less lonely. Because more is always better right? Perhaps not in some scenarios, like choosing an outfit or dessert, but in the case of friendships, how could more not be better?
To the point: I want Carrie, Samantha, Charlotte AND Miranda in my life. Let's make it into a Fivesome Friendship!
Saturday, March 27, 2010
Ask and you shall Receive
I am starting to notice, now more than ever, that everything I have ever internally asked for, I have received. I wonder, is this true for everyone? When we truly want something, or even just imagine it - visualize it- does the opportunity arise? Then, if it doesn't, is it because we ignored it?
For example, I have been feeling out of sorts lately. Every so often, an inkling of fear takes hold and I am stricken insecure. Critical of everything about me, I slouch a little deeper and smile a little less. This has been the case for the last few weeks and I am finding myself searching for the positive to arise, out of something, somewhere.
In comes, The Happiness Project. I picked up this book after an Amazon book search for recommendations similar to Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. Gretchen Rubin's memoir about her quest for a happier self displayed itself and I went to the local Barnes & Noble the next day, used up the last of my gift cards and took it home excited to see what my own Happiness Project could possibly bring.
Basically, since I had been in one of my "bad moods" as Chad refers to them, it was surely a sign. I had asked and now I had received, basically the solution to the overbearing evil mood.
Now, one would probably think that I ran right home and read it in a matter of hours. Well, one would be wrong. There it set next to my bed for a solid week, maybe even 10 days (acknowledgement of time has since disappeared since the whole 40 hours a week thing began) before I even picked it up, and then even for only a page before I decided to do something else instead.
So what do you call that? Was the book that bad? Did I suddenly not care if I could be a happier self? It was more like I knew that once I began this book, I would have to start really thinking about it. Kind of like a self-sabotage against happiness. I would have to start pointing the blame at me. I was, after all, in charge of my own happiness, right?
This is all self-reflection of course. I haven't really grasped why I feel the way I do. But, I have started to read the book and it makes sense. In fact, after reading about the first month of Gretchen's happiness project, I woke up the next day with her commandments and goals in my head. 'Go to bed earlier, clean up both visual and mental clutter, and just plain act energetic.' I was probably the happiest I had been all week that day. Results from a magical book? Eh.... Maybe I am just really susceptible to semi-cheesy optimistic answers. Yup, I like that.
So I will continue to read about someone else's quest for happiness and hopefully learn. What is my own solution for a bad mood. What would make me happier? If it is really true that we are all both the same and different, then perhaps Gretchen's ideas about happiness may also touch on my own in some way.
Remember that Charlie Brown book, "Happiness Is..." (or something like that)? I believe I felt that every answer in that little book would make me happy too. Maybe now's a good time to start reading the Tao Te Ching, and just BE.
Ah, so many questions and there are probably only a few real answers. I suppose I could ask for them internally and just watch for them to appear.
BTW, The Showtime's hit series, The United States of Tara is very entertaining. Got me hooked from the pilot episode. A clever look at Dissociative Identity Disorder which I find fascinating, not to mention that the family's dealings with this type disorder could teach us all a thing or two about accepting and adapting.
=)
For example, I have been feeling out of sorts lately. Every so often, an inkling of fear takes hold and I am stricken insecure. Critical of everything about me, I slouch a little deeper and smile a little less. This has been the case for the last few weeks and I am finding myself searching for the positive to arise, out of something, somewhere.
In comes, The Happiness Project. I picked up this book after an Amazon book search for recommendations similar to Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. Gretchen Rubin's memoir about her quest for a happier self displayed itself and I went to the local Barnes & Noble the next day, used up the last of my gift cards and took it home excited to see what my own Happiness Project could possibly bring.
Basically, since I had been in one of my "bad moods" as Chad refers to them, it was surely a sign. I had asked and now I had received, basically the solution to the overbearing evil mood.
Now, one would probably think that I ran right home and read it in a matter of hours. Well, one would be wrong. There it set next to my bed for a solid week, maybe even 10 days (acknowledgement of time has since disappeared since the whole 40 hours a week thing began) before I even picked it up, and then even for only a page before I decided to do something else instead.
So what do you call that? Was the book that bad? Did I suddenly not care if I could be a happier self? It was more like I knew that once I began this book, I would have to start really thinking about it. Kind of like a self-sabotage against happiness. I would have to start pointing the blame at me. I was, after all, in charge of my own happiness, right?
This is all self-reflection of course. I haven't really grasped why I feel the way I do. But, I have started to read the book and it makes sense. In fact, after reading about the first month of Gretchen's happiness project, I woke up the next day with her commandments and goals in my head. 'Go to bed earlier, clean up both visual and mental clutter, and just plain act energetic.' I was probably the happiest I had been all week that day. Results from a magical book? Eh.... Maybe I am just really susceptible to semi-cheesy optimistic answers. Yup, I like that.
So I will continue to read about someone else's quest for happiness and hopefully learn. What is my own solution for a bad mood. What would make me happier? If it is really true that we are all both the same and different, then perhaps Gretchen's ideas about happiness may also touch on my own in some way.
Remember that Charlie Brown book, "Happiness Is..." (or something like that)? I believe I felt that every answer in that little book would make me happy too. Maybe now's a good time to start reading the Tao Te Ching, and just BE.
Ah, so many questions and there are probably only a few real answers. I suppose I could ask for them internally and just watch for them to appear.
BTW, The Showtime's hit series, The United States of Tara is very entertaining. Got me hooked from the pilot episode. A clever look at Dissociative Identity Disorder which I find fascinating, not to mention that the family's dealings with this type disorder could teach us all a thing or two about accepting and adapting.
=)
Monday, March 22, 2010
not enough time and this whole health reform "crisis"
We're all a little batshit crazy.
Explanation? Mostly I just wanted to use that phrase. Really? First I want to point out that I would love to write about more important issues more frequently, or issues that I find fascinating and readable when I scope the blog scene, but I want them to be good so I am drafting them. Get excited.
Next, google reader is weighing me down man! I keep starring articles I want to read from Huffington Post and Slate which posts a crazy amount of new articles daily and keeping up is starting to become a MUST and my starred "to read" list has reached 60. WHAT?! And if I got a kindle like I've been thinking about (they CAN connect to Internet right?) then I could read these articles EVERYWHERE 24/7 and how magical would that be?! Probably not so much when my neck begins to permanently bend at a weird angle and all hope for good posture go out the window.
AND finally, health reform...Obama? Right on. Republicans? Why so sad? All I hear is people spouting out hateful and ridiculous amounts of bull much like a small child throwing a tantrum because he didn't get his way. What's so scary? What is REALLY the issue here? I feel like people are grasping at whatever fall-back Republican issues to hurdle as a response. Taxes, Immigrants, Constitutional rights and that's what really bugs me the most, "it's not constitutional to force people to have health insurance, not everyone wants to have health insurance." Excuse me? Who then pays for the delivery of your child? Your son's broken arm? Your emergency triple bypass surgery?
It's not about taking away our god-given rights as Americans-we are#1! not about growing our nation's debt or gasp! helping out the less fortunate who definitely don't deserve it! No, it's about not getting your way. The reform went against the Republicans' plan, therefore hate! hate! hate! Crisis! We are doomed!
What is really bothering you? And more importantly WHO is telling you it's a bother to begin with?
Barf.
Explanation? Mostly I just wanted to use that phrase. Really? First I want to point out that I would love to write about more important issues more frequently, or issues that I find fascinating and readable when I scope the blog scene, but I want them to be good so I am drafting them. Get excited.
Next, google reader is weighing me down man! I keep starring articles I want to read from Huffington Post and Slate which posts a crazy amount of new articles daily and keeping up is starting to become a MUST and my starred "to read" list has reached 60. WHAT?! And if I got a kindle like I've been thinking about (they CAN connect to Internet right?) then I could read these articles EVERYWHERE 24/7 and how magical would that be?! Probably not so much when my neck begins to permanently bend at a weird angle and all hope for good posture go out the window.
AND finally, health reform...Obama? Right on. Republicans? Why so sad? All I hear is people spouting out hateful and ridiculous amounts of bull much like a small child throwing a tantrum because he didn't get his way. What's so scary? What is REALLY the issue here? I feel like people are grasping at whatever fall-back Republican issues to hurdle as a response. Taxes, Immigrants, Constitutional rights and that's what really bugs me the most, "it's not constitutional to force people to have health insurance, not everyone wants to have health insurance." Excuse me? Who then pays for the delivery of your child? Your son's broken arm? Your emergency triple bypass surgery?
It's not about taking away our god-given rights as Americans-we are#1! not about growing our nation's debt or gasp! helping out the less fortunate who definitely don't deserve it! No, it's about not getting your way. The reform went against the Republicans' plan, therefore hate! hate! hate! Crisis! We are doomed!
What is really bothering you? And more importantly WHO is telling you it's a bother to begin with?
Barf.
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