Sublime

I came across a quote by author Ray Bradbury today when reading one of my Reader blog feeds, In Search of Squid. I suppose you could say it inspired me, as I imagine his words have inspired many, and so I deleted most of my 'About Me' section which only sat there as a placeholder reminding me of who I wished I really was, and I replaced it with 'the quote.' You can read it along the side bar.

Why I need this quote right now?

Well, have you ever made a list in your head? Thoughts piling atop more thoughts. What to do, where to go, who to see, wouldn't that be cool?, I wish...I wish..., This, then, that. Exhausting but unstoppable. My bucket list has grown so long it's coming out my ears. Ask me to write it down and I will forget everything. I literally was reading a SHAPE magazine and became overwhelmed by the information and weblinks and etc. etc. etc. Yes, I want to know more! And then in the back of my head I was stunned with the realization that I won't know more because I won't look it up. I'll forget, then remember, become overwhelmed and slump into my couch! Wanting to know more about the world in every sense nearly drives me mad. Yet it all seems out of reach. I want to research but feel paralyzed. I can't fit anymore thoughts inside my head with all these lists! I cannot write what I do not know. Knowing is tiring.

And so...I bounce.


If it looks like I'm trying to hard to sound like a 'good' writer, it's because I am. I am always going over passages trying to figure out if it would read well to an outsider. I want to write. But more than that, I want to write well and that fear of being average prevents me moving forward. I pretend I don't really want to write, to put forth the effort. Really, I just don't want to look bad. I am afraid to try a writing group or class because I hate feeling competitive and inevitably, I will feel resentful of everyone who writes well. Terrible, I know. What to do, then?

Enter, Mr. Bradbury. I had never heard of him before today though I was familiar with the book Fahrenheit 911. Maybe I will check out some of his other stories. Maybe I won't. Nonetheless, today I made the decision to not just sit in equal parts awe and defeat like I tend to do when overwhelmed with inspiration, instead, I will meet the challenge and I will write. I will write often, daily, no matter what rambling, foolish thoughts come tumbling out. I want a glorious fight between my Self and my Creative Muse.

I also want to be a better cake decorator. We shall see.

Friendly Casper?

Ch-ch-ch-ch-chaaaaanges turn and face the strange (or is it strain?) ....

Oh Bowie. How right you are. After months of whining how bored I am in this stage of my life, change happens. And I mean BIG, STRANGE change. In the next three months I could quite possibly quit my job, get engaged, cancel my apartment's lease, pack up and move to Casper, Wyoming. Is this called growing up?

Chad is onto the final stage of the application process with UPS and will flown to Seattle Monday for the panel interview. Scary! If all goes well, training begins at who knows where before plans are made to begin a new position as full-time HR management in Casper. Casper is 710 miles away. Casper has a population of roughly 55,000 people. Casper is both windier and colder than Boise. Casper could be a hell-hole.

But at the same time, Casper could be quaint, cozy and just the change I have been praying for. If I go that is. After reminding Chad that there is nothing for me in Casper but him, he finally seems to understand what I would be leaving behind and what this would mean for us. I am excited for him and know what a great opportunity this . It truly looks like an awesome job on paper - super benefits, a lot of money and a sweet first career for a 24 yr old. The issue now is what about me, what about us?

I won't go as his girlfriend. I can't. I love Boise too much to leave without a commitment. So, engagement has now been brought up numerous times in the last week and frankly we both have cold feet about it. I don't want to rush a proposal and Chad is not sure he wants to give one right now. However, Chad "doesn't want to go alone." If I move there it would be after he goes and settles in somewhat. A lease would need to be broken, furniture would need to be moved (ugh) and I would be leaving my sister, friends and family behind. I tear up at the thought of this but even with all these "cons," I still feel this may be good for me, him and us. If nothing else, a new experience. I would not even need to work for a bit leaving me time to focus on what I want to do. I actually love that idea. Right now.

So far, I have found three websites for Casper. http://www.casperwy.gov/ , http://www.casperwyoming.org/ , http://www.casperwyoming.info/ . Sure is outdoorsy and there is even a Casper Mountain. We will be only 3 hours from Cheyenne and 4 from Denver.

Trying to stay positive amongst all this change can be difficult but I am trying to take it one decision at a time instead of focusing on all the 'what ifs' and 'hows?'

Drink more water. Hug more Phoebe. Shop cowboy boots.

Type type type away

I've slowly began my return to writing this week. Seed.com offers freelance work for only a limited number of projects and though this makes it difficult to find something I could actually say anything about, I feel that it's a good way to start a possible journey into the freelance world. I already submitted 100 words for a beauty advice page. It was declined literally overnight. It's good that I did it though. Gave me something to look forward to in terms of my "career" or even hobby, whatever I decide to turn this into. Even typing out those hundred words in ten minutes, I could feel the bricks in my writing wall crumble just a tiny bit. I guess I'm afraid of criticism, anyone's and my own, but as long as I'm learning what is there to fail?

I do wish that I was better versed in something, anything at all. I don't feel that this blog, which I mostly use as a sound of board for my own thoughts, is something I could point to and confidently say showcases my writing ability. It seems that only a blog that focused on a particular subject would be more appropriate.

gunk and money

I never fail to have a chunk of salmon or something stuck in my grill. It must be a tight fit back there...yet not tight enough. There is this spot between two of my front-side left teeth that seems to be the perfect spot for food to nestle in without me having a clue until my nightly floss. Yes, I floss. You should too. Because if I hadn't started flossing this year, I would have never noticed all the little crevices that food can hide in. I guess that's the purpose of flossing, to slide between the crevices and scoot out the gunk, but you want to do it tenderly because man, that shit can hurt and bleed like mofo. Essentially a paper cut on your gums...*shudder.* Plus, you don't want food particles spraying up all over your mirror. Besides all that, flossing can be fun. Nothing like cleaning out the nastiness that resides on and in between the body....so explains the eagerness of dental hygienists.

I've been busy. So much for the long lazy days of summer once you enter the workforce. And then there's summer moving days which equals furniture buying/moving days = wii buying days = bbqing nightly = loss of money = need to work full time = fast track to depression and eternal exhaustion. The funny thing is, after all this change, I need a change.

I'm tired of what I'm doing. Tired of talking about what I should be doing. Tired of wasting my time and others. I am both bored and busy. I want a change yet am too tired (bored) to actually make the change. I am becoming one of the countless lethargic and apathetic people that disgrace mankind with their lack of passion and determination. Except that I do care , I just don't know what I care about.

Oh for the love of decisions. I just want to open a book of careers and point.

Drink more water. That's what my mom says.

Ick....but it's ok

I'm skipping my writing community ed class and probably going to skip an intense workout too. I think I will spend my evening the old fashioned, pre-workout routine way, by sitting on the living room floor, watching Sex and the City and various other shows while eating dark chocolate M&M's and ice cream.

I thought about feeling guilty for this...I did spend $30 on the class and am now missing a session with only 4 to miss, and even though my first excuse (that it looked like a wicked storm was coming) has kind of disappeared and I still have time to make it, it's a twenty minute drive across town and I am going with the better luck next week mentality. And though this may look like I am falling back into old patterns I'm not. This is simply a mental health night.

Since it already feels like an icky week at work, I'm not going to stress it at home. Guilt be gone! What I am slowly learning is that you gotta do what you want, what your feeling at that time. Granted, what I am feelin at most times is not to steal lipsticks at Shopko or roll around wasted on my kitchen floor but more like slumping on the couch and unstimulating my mind with trash tv and magazines. What's the harm in that?

Also, to summarize thoughts from The Happiness Project, if you feel like poo, act like ice cream. Meaning, ice cream is so much better/happier/nicer than a pile of stink; so help yourself out and fake it till you make it.

Point being, you just have to roll with the punches and enjoy yourself minus the icky guilt. You don't have to continually tell yourself that you suck as a human being just because you aren't living up some so-called ideal expectations. And for God's sake, don't get vocal with your self-insults, you'll look like a sad person, or at least a worrisome person and nobody wants to chat with a worrisome self-insulter. Even when you are having an icky week and don't want to talk to anyone anyway, this is not the way to go about it! Don't burn bridges, this is another wise cliche I've learned.

So basically this post was brought to you by the letter A for: Awesome Advice, Acting how you want to feel and Always having Amazing ice cream.

I am going to go get a bowl of said ice cream and crack open my SHAPE workout magazine while sitting on my ass now.

Carrie Bradshaw - my new BFF, fanatical shopping and cheesecake dinners

The week is flowing along semi-smoothly with the bumps involving missing ipods, allergies and pale legs...and since I unofficially made Wednesdays my 'no gym' fun days, I decided to explore some rarely visited shopping arenas while indulging my latest fashion cravings.

The root of this hunger? Shoes. I have been wanting, NEEDing new shoes and as I sit here listening to Samantha tell her 3 best gal pals about kegals I am basking in the glory that is cute new shoes.

Nikes,

not that I am a name brand hound, but they are PRETTY! AND they happen to be just what I was looking for, more or less.

Though the Sports Authority salesman somewhat ominously stated that he 'knew' which ones they were before I even opened the box to show him,he found my size (the very last ones which OF COURSE means it was meant to be!) and I happily pranced to the front counter for purchase. Well actually, I hulked to the front counter after circling the store two or three more times because as it is stated in the title, this was an evening of fanatical shopping. Hulked...because I am haggard from allergies which means my eyes are practically in the back of my head and droopy and, well, haggard people hulk.

Oh, and I saw this: http://www.karatedepot.com/tr-bg-02.html

Ok, not exactly this but this one had better ratings so it is now on my wish list. I like to punch and kick things. Excitement!

So since I was shopping in such a state, I couldn't go home now! I drove to Kohls which I never go to because that means driving to Meridian, however I reasoned that I was half way there so I might as well check it out. With Phoebe alongside me (best shopping buddy ever) we drove the distance. Was it worth it? If you call two sexy rocker black clearance purses worth it then yes, yes it was. Excitement.

By the time I had circled that store 5 or 6 times, I made it back to my vehicle and home. It was now 9:30 and there was no dinner in my belly. Salt in the late evening equals a very bloaty morning and so the only reasonable solution was to have cheesecake and strawberries instead. Very Satisfying.

At the moment, I am half way through my Sex and the City marathon and about ready for bed. Job well done Jennifer, job well done.

A much longer and whinier post than originally intended

Hello, I am a twenty-something average woman who is lucky enough to hold down a full time job, is in my first long term relationship and still makes enough time for a gym membership, yet, I still talk to my mother at least once, if not twice, or three times, a day.

I recently read that the feeling of loneliness can be determined by how much contact one has with women. Meaning that between both men and women, being lonely was caused by a lack of communication and relationship with a female. Time spent with men did not even factor into this equation. Gretchen Rubin noted this in her February chapter of The Happiness Project. I love my mom and I have found myself with fewer friends these days so is this close phone relationship with my mother because, regardless of the full life I have made for myself, I have still managed to feel lonely?

I don't necessarily mind that I speak to my mother probably more than the average college graduate. She has that uncanny ability to irritate me and reassure me all in the same call. And maybe I shouldn't even be questioning if I am lonely or not, but I can not ignore that having only a few options when I want to spend some quality female-to-female time really hits that lonely note.

I feel guilty for even complaining, but reading Rubin's little info tidbit made me sigh with understanding. A few options equals a few opinions, a few perspectives and basically a general lack of friends.

See, these options are composed of my mainly my mother and my sister. Biased and similar in opinion. And though I love Chad, he probably even qualifies as my best friend, he is male and therefore useless as a deep, reflective and utterly female insight kind of relationship.

I am not male bashing, just acknowledging that men do not communicate like women do and to expect a thoughtful conversation about feelings, insecurities or footwear is not realistic. In fact, it is the expecting that really puts a damper on things and I have to constantly remind myself to accept that Chad is not a stand-in for a best girl friend, which is something entirely to it's own.

The couple girlfriends I do have, they are great but not without obstacles. Obstacles preventing a deeper friendship I mean. Whether it be poorly matched schedules or a literal long distance between us, I am still left missing the female connection. After 20 years of always having a best friend by my side, this three year lapse as started to take it's toll.

Where did all the girlfriends go? In actuality, I probably pushed them away in a quest to grow up a bit and since then every time a possibility comes around, I seem to scare her into acquantanceville, the place for semi-friend who are nice and all, but not really meant for any type of divulging or phone calls after 7 pm. Do I come across as too desperate, needy, or maybe the opposite affect, too aloof. Did I say the wrong thing? Fail some secret friendship test? Hey, maybe it's because I refer to her as "the possibility." A possibility for what? A beautiful budding bff forever?! Pretty scary. No wonder. Looking for new friends is scarier than dating. There seems to be so much more at risk.

Actually, I understand that the friendships I do have are more than likely normal adult relationships and I only want more because the media and stalking facebook photos has developed the notion that friends are aplenty and it;s not normal not to talk or see one on a daily basis. I can be logical about this. I guess what I want is just more options and less lonely. Because more is always better right? Perhaps not in some scenarios, like choosing an outfit or dessert, but in the case of friendships, how could more not be better?

To the point: I want Carrie, Samantha, Charlotte AND Miranda in my life. Let's make it into a Fivesome Friendship!