As 2012 Commences...

Is it too late in the year to talk about New Year's Resolutions? Last year I was unsure how I felt about the idea of making resolutions - if it was more harmful than helpful. But ultimately I decide to comprise by making some brief non-extreme goals which I then sharpied on bright yellow scrapbook paper and posted to my fridge where it stayed, mostly ignored, for the whole year.

2011 "Goals" went something like this:

1. Eat slower

2. Exercise 3x/week

3. Make homemade meals at least 5x/week

4. Something about taking Phoebe out for frequent walks

5. Something else ...

I think it would have been more successful had I made concrete goals rather than vague ideas of wellness...

This year I've decided that I'm FOR yearly resolutions (in the form of goals) and borrowed an awesome (and organized) idea from Nicole at Nicole is Better. Check out my Eff Yeah 2012 list using Nicole's template below (click to enlarge a bit):

Quotes courtesy of Nicole is Better, as well.

Now go! Go make your own "Eff Yeah" 2012 goals and try to accomplish some of them (I'm thinking realistically...)

peace

I am very blessed. I know that my life, the universe created around me, is a very good and easy one. I could go on and on about how blessed I am.

I get bored easily. I become unsatisfied soon after achieving goals.

I believe in karma and creating my own universe. This makes me paranoid that feeling unsatisfied about my blessed life will only create negative changes.

I am cycling between striving for happiness and positivity while feel unsatisfied and worried - leaving me unhappy.

I googled "bored easily" and came across a subject line reading:

Bored to Death: Chronically Bored People Exhibit Higher Risk-Taking

But boredom has a darker side: Easily bored people are at higher risk for depression, anxiety, drug addiction, alcoholism, compulsive gambling, eating disorders, hostility, anger,

www.scientificamerican.com/article.cfm?id=the-science-o...

Is this an actual condition now? Chronically bored? Something must be done! A self-aware person should be able to stop this cycle. I can not afford to be a compulsive gambler.

If I say aloud what I want out right now out of this life, will I be a step closer to feeling satisfaction? Maybe I should just eat another cookie.

What about affirmations. I am powerful, beautiful, smart, funny, people like me.

Wait, wait, check this out: http://www.uncommonforum.com/viewtopic.php?t=21579 I'm even an aries! hahaha.

So this is my quarter-life crisis. I think I can deal with that.

Sublime

I came across a quote by author Ray Bradbury today when reading one of my Reader blog feeds, In Search of Squid. I suppose you could say it inspired me, as I imagine his words have inspired many, and so I deleted most of my 'About Me' section which only sat there as a placeholder reminding me of who I wished I really was, and I replaced it with 'the quote.' You can read it along the side bar.

Why I need this quote right now?

Well, have you ever made a list in your head? Thoughts piling atop more thoughts. What to do, where to go, who to see, wouldn't that be cool?, I wish...I wish..., This, then, that. Exhausting but unstoppable. My bucket list has grown so long it's coming out my ears. Ask me to write it down and I will forget everything. I literally was reading a SHAPE magazine and became overwhelmed by the information and weblinks and etc. etc. etc. Yes, I want to know more! And then in the back of my head I was stunned with the realization that I won't know more because I won't look it up. I'll forget, then remember, become overwhelmed and slump into my couch! Wanting to know more about the world in every sense nearly drives me mad. Yet it all seems out of reach. I want to research but feel paralyzed. I can't fit anymore thoughts inside my head with all these lists! I cannot write what I do not know. Knowing is tiring.

And so...I bounce.


If it looks like I'm trying to hard to sound like a 'good' writer, it's because I am. I am always going over passages trying to figure out if it would read well to an outsider. I want to write. But more than that, I want to write well and that fear of being average prevents me moving forward. I pretend I don't really want to write, to put forth the effort. Really, I just don't want to look bad. I am afraid to try a writing group or class because I hate feeling competitive and inevitably, I will feel resentful of everyone who writes well. Terrible, I know. What to do, then?

Enter, Mr. Bradbury. I had never heard of him before today though I was familiar with the book Fahrenheit 911. Maybe I will check out some of his other stories. Maybe I won't. Nonetheless, today I made the decision to not just sit in equal parts awe and defeat like I tend to do when overwhelmed with inspiration, instead, I will meet the challenge and I will write. I will write often, daily, no matter what rambling, foolish thoughts come tumbling out. I want a glorious fight between my Self and my Creative Muse.

I also want to be a better cake decorator. We shall see.

Friendly Casper?

Ch-ch-ch-ch-chaaaaanges turn and face the strange (or is it strain?) ....

Oh Bowie. How right you are. After months of whining how bored I am in this stage of my life, change happens. And I mean BIG, STRANGE change. In the next three months I could quite possibly quit my job, get engaged, cancel my apartment's lease, pack up and move to Casper, Wyoming. Is this called growing up?

Chad is onto the final stage of the application process with UPS and will flown to Seattle Monday for the panel interview. Scary! If all goes well, training begins at who knows where before plans are made to begin a new position as full-time HR management in Casper. Casper is 710 miles away. Casper has a population of roughly 55,000 people. Casper is both windier and colder than Boise. Casper could be a hell-hole.

But at the same time, Casper could be quaint, cozy and just the change I have been praying for. If I go that is. After reminding Chad that there is nothing for me in Casper but him, he finally seems to understand what I would be leaving behind and what this would mean for us. I am excited for him and know what a great opportunity this . It truly looks like an awesome job on paper - super benefits, a lot of money and a sweet first career for a 24 yr old. The issue now is what about me, what about us?

I won't go as his girlfriend. I can't. I love Boise too much to leave without a commitment. So, engagement has now been brought up numerous times in the last week and frankly we both have cold feet about it. I don't want to rush a proposal and Chad is not sure he wants to give one right now. However, Chad "doesn't want to go alone." If I move there it would be after he goes and settles in somewhat. A lease would need to be broken, furniture would need to be moved (ugh) and I would be leaving my sister, friends and family behind. I tear up at the thought of this but even with all these "cons," I still feel this may be good for me, him and us. If nothing else, a new experience. I would not even need to work for a bit leaving me time to focus on what I want to do. I actually love that idea. Right now.

So far, I have found three websites for Casper. http://www.casperwy.gov/ , http://www.casperwyoming.org/ , http://www.casperwyoming.info/ . Sure is outdoorsy and there is even a Casper Mountain. We will be only 3 hours from Cheyenne and 4 from Denver.

Trying to stay positive amongst all this change can be difficult but I am trying to take it one decision at a time instead of focusing on all the 'what ifs' and 'hows?'

Drink more water. Hug more Phoebe. Shop cowboy boots.

Type type type away

I've slowly began my return to writing this week. Seed.com offers freelance work for only a limited number of projects and though this makes it difficult to find something I could actually say anything about, I feel that it's a good way to start a possible journey into the freelance world. I already submitted 100 words for a beauty advice page. It was declined literally overnight. It's good that I did it though. Gave me something to look forward to in terms of my "career" or even hobby, whatever I decide to turn this into. Even typing out those hundred words in ten minutes, I could feel the bricks in my writing wall crumble just a tiny bit. I guess I'm afraid of criticism, anyone's and my own, but as long as I'm learning what is there to fail?

I do wish that I was better versed in something, anything at all. I don't feel that this blog, which I mostly use as a sound of board for my own thoughts, is something I could point to and confidently say showcases my writing ability. It seems that only a blog that focused on a particular subject would be more appropriate.

gunk and money

I never fail to have a chunk of salmon or something stuck in my grill. It must be a tight fit back there...yet not tight enough. There is this spot between two of my front-side left teeth that seems to be the perfect spot for food to nestle in without me having a clue until my nightly floss. Yes, I floss. You should too. Because if I hadn't started flossing this year, I would have never noticed all the little crevices that food can hide in. I guess that's the purpose of flossing, to slide between the crevices and scoot out the gunk, but you want to do it tenderly because man, that shit can hurt and bleed like mofo. Essentially a paper cut on your gums...*shudder.* Plus, you don't want food particles spraying up all over your mirror. Besides all that, flossing can be fun. Nothing like cleaning out the nastiness that resides on and in between the body....so explains the eagerness of dental hygienists.

I've been busy. So much for the long lazy days of summer once you enter the workforce. And then there's summer moving days which equals furniture buying/moving days = wii buying days = bbqing nightly = loss of money = need to work full time = fast track to depression and eternal exhaustion. The funny thing is, after all this change, I need a change.

I'm tired of what I'm doing. Tired of talking about what I should be doing. Tired of wasting my time and others. I am both bored and busy. I want a change yet am too tired (bored) to actually make the change. I am becoming one of the countless lethargic and apathetic people that disgrace mankind with their lack of passion and determination. Except that I do care , I just don't know what I care about.

Oh for the love of decisions. I just want to open a book of careers and point.

Drink more water. That's what my mom says.

Ick....but it's ok

I'm skipping my writing community ed class and probably going to skip an intense workout too. I think I will spend my evening the old fashioned, pre-workout routine way, by sitting on the living room floor, watching Sex and the City and various other shows while eating dark chocolate M&M's and ice cream.

I thought about feeling guilty for this...I did spend $30 on the class and am now missing a session with only 4 to miss, and even though my first excuse (that it looked like a wicked storm was coming) has kind of disappeared and I still have time to make it, it's a twenty minute drive across town and I am going with the better luck next week mentality. And though this may look like I am falling back into old patterns I'm not. This is simply a mental health night.

Since it already feels like an icky week at work, I'm not going to stress it at home. Guilt be gone! What I am slowly learning is that you gotta do what you want, what your feeling at that time. Granted, what I am feelin at most times is not to steal lipsticks at Shopko or roll around wasted on my kitchen floor but more like slumping on the couch and unstimulating my mind with trash tv and magazines. What's the harm in that?

Also, to summarize thoughts from The Happiness Project, if you feel like poo, act like ice cream. Meaning, ice cream is so much better/happier/nicer than a pile of stink; so help yourself out and fake it till you make it.

Point being, you just have to roll with the punches and enjoy yourself minus the icky guilt. You don't have to continually tell yourself that you suck as a human being just because you aren't living up some so-called ideal expectations. And for God's sake, don't get vocal with your self-insults, you'll look like a sad person, or at least a worrisome person and nobody wants to chat with a worrisome self-insulter. Even when you are having an icky week and don't want to talk to anyone anyway, this is not the way to go about it! Don't burn bridges, this is another wise cliche I've learned.

So basically this post was brought to you by the letter A for: Awesome Advice, Acting how you want to feel and Always having Amazing ice cream.

I am going to go get a bowl of said ice cream and crack open my SHAPE workout magazine while sitting on my ass now.